I'm keenly aware that I have a better chance of lasting weight-loss success this time because I'm too old to be noticed--my invisibility is secured by age, and no matter how fabulous the clothes I can now wear, no matter how well I look in them, it will all be relative. I'll still be over 50, and therefore safe.
But I understand perfectly what you're talking about. I remember feelings of panic and shame, a desperate need to swathe myself in coats, when I lost weight as a young woman. I also remember a deep disappointment (kind of a slow-dawning thing) when, on losing a lot of weight in my 30s, no magic happened. I was only marginally more "marketable" as a size 10 than I'd been as a size 18, and being a size 10 utterly failed to bring me love. It was a profound discovery.
When all is said and done, however, I've never found any helpful correlation between "psychology" and weight. There may indeed be correlations, but knowing them never did a damn thing to help me stop overeating. I probably could have concentrated on other ways of feeling safe, or other ways of being less visible--and I could have done work around becoming a more desirable mate or girlfriend, too--and removed the connection between my weight and those things. I think I could probably have done that quite easily if it had ever occurred to me.
But weight--weight in all its manifestations--was everything. It was the cause and cure of all my problems. It was the angel and the demon. It was this illusory Holy Grail which I was incapable of separating from other issues in my life. I could not see past it.
The only reason I can see past it now is that all the concerns it represented when I was younger have been negated by the passage of time. I don't know how old you are, but I hope you don't have to waste as much time on the matter as I did.
no subject
But I understand perfectly what you're talking about. I remember feelings of panic and shame, a desperate need to swathe myself in coats, when I lost weight as a young woman. I also remember a deep disappointment (kind of a slow-dawning thing) when, on losing a lot of weight in my 30s, no magic happened. I was only marginally more "marketable" as a size 10 than I'd been as a size 18, and being a size 10 utterly failed to bring me love. It was a profound discovery.
When all is said and done, however, I've never found any helpful correlation between "psychology" and weight. There may indeed be correlations, but knowing them never did a damn thing to help me stop overeating. I probably could have concentrated on other ways of feeling safe, or other ways of being less visible--and I could have done work around becoming a more desirable mate or girlfriend, too--and removed the connection between my weight and those things. I think I could probably have done that quite easily if it had ever occurred to me.
But weight--weight in all its manifestations--was everything. It was the cause and cure of all my problems. It was the angel and the demon. It was this illusory Holy Grail which I was incapable of separating from other issues in my life. I could not see past it.
The only reason I can see past it now is that all the concerns it represented when I was younger have been negated by the passage of time. I don't know how old you are, but I hope you don't have to waste as much time on the matter as I did.