When do you read? How do you read? How much do you read?

[darkemeralds]

I'm at a crossroads. No, not the demon-summoning kind. I have almost completely lost the ability to sit and read, but I want to read.

For a few years it was just books, while I was still readily able to enjoy masses of fic, and ebooks, on a portable device. Regardless of format/medium, I still loved losing myself in a story.

Now it's everything. I can't seem to sit and read anymore.

The internet is largely to blame: I recognize its adverse impact on my attention span, and that impact seems to be extreme in my case. I also acknowledge that in swapping an hour's daily commute by bus for the same commute by bike, I've exchanged one of my best reading moments for an exercise moment.

But it's not just about time. I have more time, because I've cut television hours down to two or three a week; my day to day life is pretty orderly, and frankly I pay people to do the time-consuming stuff I don't like; I need the same amount of sleep I've always needed; and my social life has taken no extraordinary leaps.

So

• Do you read books? In what formats?
• How would you describe your relationship to reading?
• How much do you read--hours per week, books per month, however you measure it?
• When? Under what circumstances?
• Is there something you specifically don't do to make time for reading?
• Have you noticed a decline in attention--in the ability to sit and read? And if so, how do you deal with it?

I'd really like to know.

Comments

[darkemeralds]

You make an interesting point about the candy aspect of reading. I know for myself that when I discovered fanfic and got really involved in reading it, its crack-like qualities were an order of magnitude greater than, say, reading every Regency romance I could find, or mass-consuming Stephen King (though there were some similarities, to be sure).

I re-listen to certain podfics and even a couple of pro audiobooks, but when I do, I find that it's because I'm kind of mentally worn out: I need something, but getting into new material feels too onerous. Certainly depression made me feel that way a lot more of the time. I'm not sure that frequently revisiting stories that are comfortable and good friends is a bad thing, though of course excessiveness in anything is usually a sign of something not being quite right.

The fact that you do read, though, is interesting: whatever else fanfic and online life might have done to your brain, at least you still take in text visually. That's the missing component for me: seriously, I think I'd be glad to be mass-consuming fic at this point, because it would at least be reading.

Still, there really is more mentally nourishing stuff out there, and that's what I'd like to be accessing again. I'd access all of it via audiobook except that a) a huge percentage of fiction I want to read is not available that way and b) it's a very slow way of reading and has its own set of limitations. And it's expensive. Geez.

Thanks for the long and thoughtful comment. I hope there's something that can give you a boost out of your low mood. I know how that feels, and it feels awful, and you are such a talented and intelligent person that the world really would be a better place with you feeling more like your true self!

[cookiemom6067]

Thank you for your very kind comments. I'm in transition right now (AGAIN!!!) In many ways, finding myself unemployed is like the universe hitting the reset button and giving me a chance to try again.

I had been doing a job (that, admittedly, was temporary) that provided me with LOTS of strokes and was NOT very demanding of me mentally. I left it for another temporary gig that was in the field I had finished training for in November of '09. It was extremely demanding of me mentally and, although the people were nice, I did not get the kind of outrageous strokes I had gotten at the other place. I also found it hard to deal with the mental challenges - I really just wanted it easy again. I haven't really decided if that's a character flaw or not. My inner voices certainly tell me it is.

That assignment, in spite of sly hints at permanence, ended barely over two months later and I am again unemployed, doing some freelance work.

I worry myself because I really do seem to have trouble making demands of myself - I find that I inwardly pout like a little kid at the most NORMAL things - doing taxes, doing the dishes, doing the laundry, applying for work, billing for my time, keeping a time sheet (let alone doing the work)...some days, even taking a shower!

I keep finding myself in these positions of asking myself yet again, "What is it that I want?" "What am I willing to ask of myself?"

The weight thing is tied into that, too. I hate how I look, in spite of attempts at acceptance and self-love (thin on the ground as usual), but the thought of eating more healthfully and exercising just. doesn't. appeal. AT ALL.

Add in the stressors of our financial situation (my husband has been out of work since October of 2009) and a teen daughter that is struggling with nearly ALL the same issues I struggle with and I just FLEE to read a really easy J2 PWP or schmoopy college AU as fast as I possibly can.

Totally didn't mean to throw up words all over you, em. We share so many traits (including the talent thing you so graciously mention above). I have been encouraged by your efforts to change things for yourself (and yes, I know you are journeying, not arriving). It gives me some hope that if I WERE to make efforts, they would be fruitful.

At what point is it reasonable to "rest" "give myself a break" "be kind to myself" and at what point does it become self-indulgent, lazy, dysfunctional? I am chronically stuck in the planning and thinking stages - the slum of good intentions that don't come to fruition.

When my daughter cries hysterically because she "can't" draw a picture of Harry Potter or describe the setting of "The Goblet of Fire" and throws herself on her bed in despair, I see myself, shrinking from the challenge of walking around the block or reading a "work" book. She's like an externalized representation of my own inner struggle (not to denigrate or co-opt her own struggles, of course - I'm just appreciating the irony).

I think I'll take my maunderings over to my own journal, where they belong, but thanks for your kind wishes and good luck slaying your own dragons.

[darkemeralds]

I'm a proponent of the "one little thing" approach to so-called "self-improvement" or "self-healing." The thinnest possible end of the wedge, some tiny thing that will begin to pry open a crack in what seems an intractable and monolithic blockage between the stuck present and the prospect of some kind of movement. I think it has to start with the belief that it might make a difference; that the smallest thing--the only thing you're capable of right now--is still big enough to begin cracking the dam.

I say that not as a goad or even as advice, but just because I do so completely understand how you're feeling (and you express it really, really clearly--better than I ever could), that I couldn't not mention one of the basic notions that has helped me the most.

Hugs to you! You're going to find a crack in this damn thing. I just know you are.

[ranunculus]

Oh boy do I identify with the "is it reasonable to 'give myself a break'" scenario. All my friends label me as an "over-achiever" but I know that, given the chance, I will lie on the floor and read (boring) romance novels for months at a time (been there, done that, though it was a very long time ago). I rescued myself from this pit of depression by going off and doing "something else", which involved moving to San Francisco, going back to school and getting divorced. Three or four years later I began two years of talk therapy with an extremely useful psycho therapist that gave me a bunch of tools for dealing with depression. I quit therapy when I realized I had nothing more to learn from that therapist.

The next therapist I saw (some 7 years ago) suggested that I should really "give myself a break".... Which was both good advice, and just goes to show that we should all strive for balance in our lives.

Reading these days: sporadic.
I read for at least three reasons:
For escapist entertainment.
To educate myself about the next thing I want to accomplish.
History. History is always amazing.

For big chunks of the last 6 or 7 years I've been too exhausted mentally and physically to read much. That is slowly changing as I relax into this house and the fact that we have FIXED most of it. There are no huge looming projects. That frees some of my attention to return to fun fiction. Fun fiction seems to have become pretty sparse on the ground. I'm old enough that many new writers seem pretty young. Yes they are exploring ideas that are, or could be, interesting, but the perspective is of a 25 year old, not a 55 year old. Some people choose to be Peter Pan, and sometimes I do a fair imitation, but more and more I want thoughtful fiction that addresses issues more in line with my age demographic. This means I really enjoy the writers who manage to push a few buttons, or speak to issues I haven't yet completely thought through; or better yet, write so beautifully that I can't put this adventure story down.

Still that feeling of being withdrawn from the outer world to deal with the inner world is familiar to me. In my case, when I began figuring out what was bugging me, I also freed my attention to read.


Oh, and "transitions" in life? I really just think that is just called "life". Certainly my life has been little but a long string of "transitions" into a different state!

[cookiemom6067]

You know, I hadn't thought about it as "withdrawing from the outer world to deal with the inner world," but that is a very apt statement. What's more, it sounds very reasonable when put that way.

And thanks for reminding me that life is nothing but a series of transitions. I realized this morning that I would happily continue freelancing out of my house as long as jobs and work continue to come in. I honestly DON'T long for the corporate shackles. I have always had an upsurge in my depression when having to deal with that. That's probably why I loved my low stakes, simple tasks, lots of strokes job that I left in November.

I continue to seek that balance. My most recent therapy experience reminds me of yours - she stopped me and asked if I was aware how very often I was saying "should" "ought to" "have to" - all of which are indicators that I'm beating myself up. It's also much the cause of my occasional "bratty" periods of rebellion against ALL constraints - even the most reasonable ones.

[ranunculus]

"bratty" periods of rebellion against ALL constraints - even the most reasonable ones.

*L* I have occasional "bratty" periods too.

[darkemeralds]

I agree completely with CookieMom, that changing the "escapist" self-accusation to the idea of "withdrawing from the outer world to deal with the inner world" is an excellent reframe.

I'm 55 too and I find that a lot of fiction is pretty meaningless to me for the reasons you mention. It's harder to find "nourishing" fiction as I get older.

I also do quite a bit of non-fiction reading (some history) because I find that it fills my mind better and challenges my thinking.

It's rare for me to read books to educate myself for my next accomplishment, because I find most of what's relevant to my interests on the internet. But I read a LOT on the internet for those kinds of reasons.

And yes. Life is transitions.