Mild case of the shoulds

[darkemeralds]

I sort of saw this coming. I mean, the question when you're about to retire is "What are your plans?" My answer has been, "To do nothing for a while and see what develops."

So here I am, a week in, with all the time in the world on my hands, and of course what develops is a mild case of the shoulds. It occurred to me this morning that there's an infinite list of things I "should" be doing with all this free time. What's at the top of the list varies from hour to hour, but it includes

• Work on [____]
• Finish [___]
• Start [___]
• Go and [___]
• Decide on [___]

...you get the idea.

Trouble is, I don't really feel like doing any of those things right at the moment. Right at the moment, I'm on my second pot of coffee. I'm reading a so-so book that I wouldn't have taken time for in the past. It's rainy and windy out. The cat is asleep on the next chair.

So here's the big question: do I have the courage to follow through on my plan of making no plans until a plan comes and grabs me by the solar plexus and tugs me into action?

And while I'm trying to figure that out, should I maybe go out and buy some more coffee beans?

Comments

[branchandroot]

I'd say buy more coffee beans and stick it out. After something like a stage production, the "omg, there's /got/ to be something I should be doing" phase lasts a few weeks before your backbrain catches up with "no, it's okay, we're done now". I'm betting it'll take at least a month or two after getting done with a whole career. And the thing about that phase is, it's /really/ hard to actually get anything at all done that you try to do during it. *wry* I'd say don't let your reflexes set you up to get frustrated.

[darkemeralds]

Thank you! The stage-production metaphor is really valuable to me (having been in one or two of them and being able to remember the feeling). You're so right, and I appreciate the reminder that my original instinct, to just take it easy for a few weeks, was probably a really good one.

When I didn't feel like [washing my hair, putting on makeup, donning street clothes, putting on shoes and] going out for coffee beans today, I said what the hell, I'll just go out for coffee tomorrow morning.

[dine]

you should ignore the 'shoulds' for a while longer *g*

it'll probably take you some time for it to sink in that time is no longer such a limited commodity, that it's ok to spend hours reading a mediocre book instead of trying to accomplish 17 things. and since you're no longer on such tight timelines, it's likely that some tasks will expand to take longer (because why not).

enjoy this unusual period - and your coffee and books - and only do what you really feel like doing

[darkemeralds]

you should ignore the 'shoulds' for a while longer *g*

Then I shall!

You know, the only thing I have to compare this to in my own life is the period when I lived abroad as a teaching assistant. The work was undemanding to say the least, and I was in a very small town and on a very small income, so my activity options were limited. In that situation, we (my fellow teaching assistants and I) welcomed the expansion of basic tasks, like handwashing our laundry, going every day to the shops for a stroll and a bit of food, taking long walks in the surrounding country just because, etc. That was where I learned to knit, too.

So, mediocre book it is. At least, for now.

When are we doing lunch?

[dine]

does next week seem doable for you?

as far as I know, I can probably arrange coverage for a long lunch (need to check once I have a specific day, just to be sure) - there's a semi-decent Thai place (Monsoon), as well as a German pub (Prost) across the street and of course the food carts, though they aren't all always open, and of course that's a less inviting option in this sort of weather.

[darkemeralds]

Thai sounds great! Next week Tuesday, Wednesday or Friday would work for me. The following week, my calendar is completely free.

[dine]

I think Wednesday would be good for me - I've checked with Em and the person who'd likely cover for me, and that should work for everyone. would 1:00 be ok for you? let me know, and we can figure out what appeals

[darkemeralds]

1:00 next Wednesday, the 15th it is! Shall we meet at Monsoon? I'm totally flexible, so just let me know.

[dine]

Monsoon sounds great to me - I'll see you there Wednesday at 1:00! be sure to let me know if anything comes up; we can always reschedule (your calendar is likely to be open, after all)

[darkemeralds]

It's on my calendar, complete with transit time.

Just to be 100%, we're talking about Monsoon Thai on Skidmore and Mississippi, right?

[dine]

exactly - Monsoon Thai, right on the corner. my office is diagonally across the street. I'll see you there at 1:00 on Wednesday!

[hunningham]

Is 'gloating' one of the answers you could make when people ask what you're doing with your life?

Seriously, been retired for about six days? Give it six months before you worry too much about the next big thing.

[darkemeralds]

Gloating. Huh. I didn't think of that! LOL.

[lycomingst]

To make your sitting and coffee drinking just that much better, just revel in the envy you're inspiring in the hearts of other people. (That would be me. 8])

[darkemeralds]

Ack! I honestly didn't intend this post as a humblebrag--but that just goes to show you how mean the voices in my head are, shouting down the obvious enviability and good luck and wonderfulness of my situation and substituting a lot of "shoulds".

I shall now try to do better in the gloating department. :D

[lycomingst]

No, no, gloat all you like. If I could retire tomorrow, I wouldn't move from the couch for weeks. I would just breath in and out and know that I didn't have to go anywhere. 8 ]

[darkemeralds]

I'm finding that my butt is getting tired. LOL! It's not so much a "should" as a "must" at this point to go do something a bit more physical. If I hurry, I might just be able to get downtown to my favorite coffee place before it closes, and get a pound of their French roast that I love.

But in general, yes. I've been getting deeper and deeper into this expanding sense of having time to think and write and edit myself and read, and it's starting to feel pretty wonderful.

[despina_moon]

Sheesh, it's only been eight days! I expect it's difficult to adjust, but it's all good. Something will hit you. If you must do something, which you might, maybe volunteer somewhere, but after January 31.

That's my two coffee beans!

[darkemeralds]

I'm glad I posted this (though, as I aver in another comment, I truly wasn't intending to humblebrag!) because people's perspectives have kind of set my mind straight. In another week or so, it will be the longest non-working period of my life in the last 25 years, so what the hell do I know about free time?

I think January 31 sounds like a fair and balanced point at which to re-address the "problem." Thank you.

[ruric]

I do believe I agree with the "Do nothing" principle *G*

A few days after I was made redundant I left for a three week tour of the states. When I got back I sent the best part of 3-4 months doing nothing and then time doing gentle amounts of gardening and decorating (and selling the house in Shefield).

Give your brain and body time to catch up with each other!

[darkemeralds]

I appreciate your perspective. The pressure to "perform" a new life is less for me than the pressure to perform productive use of your redundancy must have been for you, but I think there must be some strong similarities.

Mind you, what you describe here as gentle amounts of gardening and decorating, as I recall from your journal, were pretty amazing!

[ravurian]

I think you should conduct an experiment to see how long it is before you get twitchy and anxious about having no externally imposed schedule. For the first few weeks, your brain will switch you to vacation mode; it'll take longer for it to sink in to your body that you have no boundaries. The only danger, I think, is the drift towards mañana. It's jam every other day.

("The rule is, jam to-morrow and jam yesterday – but never jam to-day."
"It must come sometimes to 'jam to-day'," Alice objected.
"No, it can't," said the Queen. "It's jam every other day: to-day isn't any other day, you know.")

[darkemeralds]

That jam rule would make a good weight-loss diet.

I didn't think I was in vacation mode, since I had such a long ramp-down period at work prior to my actual last day--weeks of rolling in late, putting in partial days, and generally goofing off. But I notice that my desk, my coworkers, and my tasks are still vivid in my mind. I could still show up there tomorrow and do my old job. It's still in my identity, and I think that's what needs to fade.

Huh. This has got me looking up some Maslow stuff. Research! That makes me happy. To a point. Then it's time for some shoes and a coat and a bike ride, I think.

[ranunculus]

Two weeks is the Minimum time that I would set for the BEGINNING of a reset. Two weeks is the period of time when I begin to forget about work issues and begin to relax and just be in the moment. AFTER that point you can wind down and begin to discover who you are without the job. I bet that it takes more than a month for the "real" you to begin to have a voice, something like;
"If you are -really- not going to do -anything- I have a suggestion..."
Think of it as a time to refocus by doing exactly what you have always -fantasized- about doing: read books that have no literary value (who knows, you might like them!), rest on the couch, drink tea...

[darkemeralds]

Ah, you hit me right where I live: quantify that sucker!

You are so right that two weeks is the minimum for shaking off the job--it's the longest most of us ever take off as a vacation, and in my once-in-a-lifetime experience, it's not till the third week that I've truly turned my back on work and put it completely out of my mind.

I feel so much better with the idea that I'm "on vacation" till January 20th! It's really helpful. That's what I'm gonna do.

Then I'm going to "start my new job"--look around, get acquainted, map my routes, start learning new tasks, find the rhythm, and begin to build the new structure.

And in the meantime, I read a whole book yesterday. A book! From the library! On paper and everything. Wow, that brought back memories!

Thanks. Great perspective.