darkemeralds | Too much of a good thing

Family.

We have this thing where we do birthdays at my sister's house. Most everyone comes, we sing happy birthday and eat cake and talk and laugh. Usually it's pretty nice.

Tonight--brother-in-law's birthday--it got to me. My oldest niece is noticeably pregnant, so there's one topic of conversation I have absolutely nothing to say about. My younger sister has a new man in her life (must be serious: he was there) whom I was meeting for the first time. Nice guy, but there's another subject I have extremely little to say about.

I had to leave, a bit more abruptly than I'm proud of, when the stress of too many people in the room made me over-react to a careless remark from that all powerful person whose careless remarks can still overthrow my commonsense, i.e., my mother.

It wasn't too terrible--I didn't storm out, I did say goodbye and happy birthday and thank you--but it didn't go unnoticed, either. There was email afterwards of the "did we offend you?" variety. Which means I probably offended them.

Gah! I knew I didn't want to go before I went, but not going would have raised at least as many questions as leaving early did. I'm way past the point of trying to explain my quirks and limitations to my family, but at moments like this I have this hellish feeling that they're coming to their own, very wrong, conclusions about what's wrong with me.

It's frustrating.

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Do you think that the work situation has unsettled your sense of who you are and your confidence in the ability of others to see you clearly? In other words, might this be part of the process of responding to the changes in your work/life?

That certainly crossed my mind, and it's probably at least part of the problem (though I'm not sure I ever had much confidence in the ability of others to see me clearly). There was another incident, too, on Friday night--a small online thing that was triggery--which didn't fully register with me at the time, but should have prompted me to take some actions.

A good night's sleep (with an extra hour in it! \o/) has gone a long way towards readjusting my spirits--though heaven help anyone who annoys me today, because I'm still a wee bit edgy.

I'm glad that you were able to take gopd care of yourself by leaving when you felt you had to.

I assume your mind was swirling with stressful thoughts, and your mom's comment just made that worse. If this had been a day or a situation where you felt comfortable and relaxed, you might have felt more like chatting with the new
BF or other family members, making bland small talk.

I can understand being frustrating when your family doesn't understand some key things about you. Would your sister, the one across the street, understand better?

Thank you. You've summed up the situation succinctly--the "swirling with stressful thoughts" really should have been my cue to make a very brief appearance at the party.

Sadly, the sister across the street was the one throwing the party--and the one with the new BF--so some of the underlying stress in my life right now is certainly related to that change of circumstances.

Rats! So you and your sister were kind of close and pretty much buddies, and now she has a BF, which is super for her, and you are glad for her I'm sure, yet...it's a loss, too.

Good summation.

Many, many sympathies. Am just back from the in-laws ...

Well then, sympathies right back to you.

Having two full-time jobs at once should surely be an excuse for any amount of leaving early and tiredness.

You're quite right, it should be. One of the most profound disconnects between me and the rest of my family is that my abstract, technical job (as compared to, say, librarian, carpenter, realtor, restaurant manager and surfboard-maker--the other jobs in my family, all of which at least ring a bell with most people), kind of doesn't exist. Nobody really knows what I do, and I can't explain it to them, so how could it be stressing me out? Twice as much of an incomprehensible abstraction doesn't really carry much weight.

Of course, as the counselor pointed out on Thursday morning, it's quite possible that I have a bit of an Atlas complex and make no effort to convey the problem...

I'm sorry, that situation sucks. Although frankly, if you made all your goodbye wishes and didn't stomp out flinging things, you did nothing wrong. Good job taking care of yourself, is what I'm thinking.

Thank you! I'm thinking so too--but with a dollop of "I really should know by now how to do it with a little more finesse."

I guess it's never too late to learn.

I sometimes feel that family is like that story about the 3 blind men and the elephant. They all touch part of the elephant and think that they know what it is from just that piece; you know, the guy with the trunk thinks it's a snake. All this is to say that sometimes it's totally normal to want to jump up and down screaming in frustration, "I'm an elephant, not a snake, damn it!" I know I do.

LOL! That's an awfully good analogy for the situation. Thank you for the perspective.

Me jumping up and down in the midst of my skinny family and crying "I'm an elephant, not a snake!" is one of those "I'd sooner die" kinds of images, but the general idea is spot-on. I keep thinking I'm way past needing to be understood by my family, but apparently I'm not.

I really admire you for getting yourself out of what was a damaging situation for you. If anyone wants to think anything less of you for it that's their choice, but don't necessarily assume they are, either. You did the right thing, which you are totally entitled to do, and should congratulate yourself on a healthy action.

Thank you for the positive perspective. It's hard to remember the positive sometimes when the brain chemistry goes all wonky.

Oh yeah, I know how that works! *hugs*

I can totally understand how you felt and I think you did the right thing, leaving early. If they were offended (and I don't see why they should be, since you took your leave politely), or come to any particular conclusion about your leaving early, then I'm not wishing to be rude, but I have to say that's their problem. Just ignore 'em.

Easier said than done, of course.

Um. The 'a careless remark from that all powerful person whose careless remarks can still overthrow my commonsense, i.e., my mother.' part totally resonated with me. Just this week, I had a huge fight with my father. He is a lovely man at heart but can be an obnoxious control freak on the exterior a lot of the time. He irritated me greatly as I was seeing him off somewhere with my mother, and I slammed the door behind them so hard, I broke the lock. And then, I blush to admit this, as normally I am quite a meek and sedate person who hardly even raises her voice, and a pacifist to boot, I took a carving knife to the tyres of one of his motorbikes.

It's actually quite difficult to slash a tyre, it turns out. I made no impression on it at all.

So, having not lost my temper for about ten years, that was my reaction in similar circumstances to yours. I am thoroughly embarrassed at myself and am vowing not to get so het up in future. This is why you are a more evolved person than I am. :D

I'm impressed with your knife-wielding, actually, though I'm glad it wasn't successful. As to door slamming, yep. I've done more than my share of that. In fact, there might have been a slight over-emphasis on door-closing as I left the party last night. Only slight (thanks to these modern, fully-weatherized doors that close on little pillows of air, really).

The aftermath of expressions of trapped rage (which was, in a small way, what I was feeling at the birthday party) are always so hard to cope with. I don't know about you, but I go through social embarrassment, personal shame, and, worst of all, a horrible feeling of sliding once more down a slope that I've vowed never to approach again.

I've learned to remember that the cascading bad feelings are brain-chemistry-not-reality ("brain-chemistry-not-reality, brain-chemistry-not-reality, brain-chemistry-not-reality," I chant) and that I'm no more contemptible today than I was yesterday. There are tricks and tools I can use to get myself down out of the trees, and if I can force myself to do any of them, I will get immediate partial relief.

The EFT tapping is strange and crazy-sounding, and I wouldn't mention it if I didn't find it effective.

I am definitely not more evolved than you! LOL! I'm just older, with more years of therapy.

Too much of a good thing

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