darkemeralds: A round magical sigil of mysterious meaning, in bright colors with black outlines. A pen nib is suggested by the intersection of the cryptic forms. (Default)
2012-10-24 02:34 pm
Entry tags:

Delusional

A year ago, my oldest friend called me from her home on the east coast to say that "they" were tapping her phone and intercepting her emails, and that I probably shouldn't email her for a while.

So I didn't email, and she didn't call, and to be honest, I was glad about it. Our conversations had become stranger over the years until they were nothing but one-sided diatribes about the weird stuff people were doing to her, the men who were secretly in love with her, and the unique talents that made her so eminently employable if only people weren't so intimidated by her.

Her email address, when I finally tried it eight months later, no longer existed. I thought about tracking her down but never got around to it. Though I felt strange not knowing what had become of her, those bizarrely boring phone calls had become the whole of our relationship, and I didn't miss them at all.

She called me this afternoon from a number right across the river.

Her persecutors drove her from the east coast and harried her all the way across the United States, causing electrical shorts and flat tires in her car, interfering with her Kindle, tapping her mobile phone, and hacking her laptop whenever she got online. The story involved uranium mining and billionaires, bugs and taps and cameras.

I'm not a psychiatrist and god knows I'm aware of the hazards of labels. But the more I google, the more "delusional disorder" seems to fit her case--at least, it gives me something to pin my frustration on. If your good friend really was the object of persecution (not to mention romantic longings and glamorous corporate recruitment), she would be the most interesting friend in the world. You'd meet secretly and she'd show you some of the evidence--you know, the bug she found in her house, the screenshot of her rapidly-self-wiping hard drive, the recording of the wire-tapped phone call...And she'd probably have that amazing job by now. And a really impressive lover. And probably would have written that book, too--the one about all her amazing experiences.

But other people's delusions are boring, especially if you don't share them. She's back in town and I'm trying to figure out how to tell her that I can't take part in her stories anymore.

Mind you, if she shows me actual proof, this could get really interesting!
darkemeralds: Naked woman on a bike, caption "I don't care, I'm still free" (Bike Freedom)
2011-04-02 07:34 pm

Wait...what? Zumba?

My life takes some funny turns. I surprise myself with surprising frequency, especially considering how many years I've had to get used to myself.

This bike thing, for instance: I did not anticipate commuting to work by bike 98% of the time, and I certainly didn't foresee owning two bikes and letting a perfectly decent car die in the driveway from disuse. I had no idea how much bike riding would change my life.

Then there was this losing weight thing. I had decided it was impossible, and had stopped thinking about it (sort of). As recently as October 16th last year, if you'd said I'd be almost 50 lbs lighter by April, I would've guffawed, but on October 17th, I set out on this journey.

Well, one thing about losing quite a bit of weight after a certain age is that the lack of firm substrate under the newly-loosened skin becomes really apparent. I've been thinking about expanding my exercise from biking and walking to, you know, exercise exercise. The kind that "tones and firms". Weights and stretches and things.

So yesterday I was inquiring about the workout room in my office building, which I haven't set foot in for more than five years, and my good pal Todd said, "Whatever you do, don't get involved with Zumba."

I'm all, "Huh?" Because I apparently do not actually live in this world. The fateful moment ticked over when I googled it. "Ditch the workout. Join the party." I was mesmerized.

I haven't actually started Zumba-ing yet, but I'm going to. I've found a set of convenient classes. I've ordered shoes (because none of the footwear in my collection--neither flip-flops, nor bare feet, nor Doc Martens, nor walking shoes, nor high heels--is appropriate for Zumba). I've identified some clothes I can wear. They're black, and they cover me up.

This is not the same as a few weight-lifting routines and stretches and crunches (my go-to-the-gym standard). This is dancing. Okay, it's not ballet. But it involves a degree of coordination--not to mention a degree of physical freedom--that I just don't have. Of all the many things dance requires, I have only these: I know left from right, and my rhythm's not bad.

But I'm large, I'm clumsy, I'm easily confused by instructions about my feet and arms, and I learn physical movements only very slowly. Despite the cycling, I'm not in terrific aerobic shape. What's more, I'm what you might call incredibly uptight reserved, and though I love the idea of shakin' my groove thang, translating that to an actual shaking of said groove thang is gonna be a huge leap.

...to be continued, I suppose. Anyone who's experienced Zumba: tell me about it.
darkemeralds: Photo of a glass of whisky on ice with caption On The Rocks (Whisky)
2010-12-10 08:10 pm

Can somebody please press the button in my back...

...the one that unwinds this coil of tension between my shoulder blades?

Good god, I've discovered a new circle of hell. It exists on the 14th floor of the World's Tallest Basement. It is overseen by Norm, whose instruments of torture include Rev-Proc 2010-26 and data transfer files for the Internal Revenue Service that have to be analyzed--by a highly-paid human being (such as myself, for instance)--in detail, across rows 175 columns wide.

I was ready to tear my hair out--I mean, I was literally clutching at it. We're too slammed to take time to develop a more efficient way of getting done what needs to be done, and I suspect that Norm really likes to work this way. I don't mind detail work, and I don't mind a little drudgery, but I hate the kind of gross, slogging inefficiency baked into the system by a workaholic who needs to feel important.

My temper got the better of me around 6:00 this evening after losing my place for the fifth time in the Rev Proc 2010-26, and I said, "God! There has to be a better way of doing this!"

Norm: "I haven't found one."

Me: "Yeah, well, that doesn't mean one doesn't exist."

I'm not the world's most courteous person, but really, I try to be more contained than that. I'd just had enough. Since October 17 when I started eating 2000 calories a day, I have not been tempted to eat 3000--or 4000--until today. This evening I want to eat the world. The whole wide world, which I understand has a creamy truffle filling.

I'm giving serious consideration to a 140-calorie double shot of Laphroaig as a moderate alternative.
darkemeralds: A round magical sigil of mysterious meaning, in bright colors with black outlines. A pen nib is suggested by the intersection of the cryptic forms. (Default)
2009-12-02 12:04 pm
Entry tags:

You're welcome

Permission to be decadent, sir?

Permission granted.

(Courtesy [livejournal.com profile] avventura1234)
darkemeralds: A round magical sigil of mysterious meaning, in bright colors with black outlines. A pen nib is suggested by the intersection of the cryptic forms. (Default)
2008-01-27 10:43 pm

In the "Oh my fucking god" department

OMFG.

I just posted about some of the effects of clutter, according to feng shui. Then I puttered around, starting my final weekend load of laundry and putting away a few things I'd left out after clearing Area 2.10a, Bedroom, Little Shelf Next To Closet.

This was when I discovered one of the truly--I mean, really, truly--unexpected benefits of clearing.

Out of somewhere on that Little Shelf dropped a wad of bills. Currency. Money. Rolled up as if it had been stored inside...I dunno...maybe one of the lint-roller refills I gave away today? No idea. There it was, on the floor in front of my dresser.

Five hundred dollars.

OMFG.

I racked my brain. I think I might have a dim memory of someone repaying a debt in cash at some point a couple of years ago, when things were financially a bit better for me...maybe? No idea.

OMFG.

Also? I found my passport.

OMFG.

Go! Everyone! Clean your house! Seriously. It's amazing.

ETA: OMFG.