Delusional

[darkemeralds]

A year ago, my oldest friend called me from her home on the east coast to say that "they" were tapping her phone and intercepting her emails, and that I probably shouldn't email her for a while.

So I didn't email, and she didn't call, and to be honest, I was glad about it. Our conversations had become stranger over the years until they were nothing but one-sided diatribes about the weird stuff people were doing to her, the men who were secretly in love with her, and the unique talents that made her so eminently employable if only people weren't so intimidated by her.

Her email address, when I finally tried it eight months later, no longer existed. I thought about tracking her down but never got around to it. Though I felt strange not knowing what had become of her, those bizarrely boring phone calls had become the whole of our relationship, and I didn't miss them at all.

She called me this afternoon from a number right across the river.

Her persecutors drove her from the east coast and harried her all the way across the United States, causing electrical shorts and flat tires in her car, interfering with her Kindle, tapping her mobile phone, and hacking her laptop whenever she got online. The story involved uranium mining and billionaires, bugs and taps and cameras.

I'm not a psychiatrist and god knows I'm aware of the hazards of labels. But the more I google, the more "delusional disorder" seems to fit her case--at least, it gives me something to pin my frustration on. If your good friend really was the object of persecution (not to mention romantic longings and glamorous corporate recruitment), she would be the most interesting friend in the world. You'd meet secretly and she'd show you some of the evidence--you know, the bug she found in her house, the screenshot of her rapidly-self-wiping hard drive, the recording of the wire-tapped phone call...And she'd probably have that amazing job by now. And a really impressive lover. And probably would have written that book, too--the one about all her amazing experiences.

But other people's delusions are boring, especially if you don't share them. She's back in town and I'm trying to figure out how to tell her that I can't take part in her stories anymore.

Mind you, if she shows me actual proof, this could get really interesting!

Comments

[tehomet]

Crikey.

I'm trying to figure out how to tell her that I can't take part in her stories anymore.

The quickest way might be that you refuse to talk with or meet her unless it's in the presence of some professional help.

The poor lady. D:

[darkemeralds]

I don't think she's dangerous, but those are famous last words, aren't they? I probably shouldn't meet her alone. I'll take that to heart. Thanks.

Looking back, I can see that she's shown signs of this disorder for almost as long as I've known her, but of course it developed gradually. I've participated in it, too--low self-esteem, a passive nature all too willing to believe that faults in the friendship were entirely mine. She was always so smart and shining and kind of big, you know?

Ah well. I didn't break her and I can't fix her, so all that's left is to hope there's help for her.

[twistedchick]

I'd agree that you shouldn't meet her alone; if there isn't a professional whom you'd trust, be sure that there's a neutral third person who can witness whatever happens. ::speaking from experience of other people's nonsanity::

[darkemeralds]

Good to know, thanks. I'm arranging now to have a couple of friends present, people she knows. Make it like a little reunion get-together.

I appreciate the insight.

[tehomet]

I didn't break her and I can't fix her, so all that's left is to hope there's help for her.

Yes, indeed.

Please be careful!

<3

[darkemeralds]

Thanks. I will. I'm lining up a couple of friends to be present.

[dine]

wow, that's gotta be tough. I hope when you do meet up in person, it isn't too uncomfortable for anyone

[darkemeralds]

Thanks. Yeah, this is a long, long, long festering problem that 3000 miles of US has kept at bay. The universe seems to have brought it to a head and now I need to deal with it. Gah! "Why can't things go smooth?"

[twasadark]

Yikes! Having a brother who is schizophrenic, this sort of paranoia is rather familiar to me. Is she getting help? Sounds like she really needs it!

[darkemeralds]

She's not getting help--I doubt very much whether she has any sense of needing it. The disorder seems a bit like narcissism in that way--there's nothing wrong with me, the problem is with them.

I may or may not be able to raise the issue with her, but I know I need to do some housekeeping myself. She has influenced a whole lot of my life choices in the last thirty years, and now I'm wondering how much of my adult life has been tainted by my belief in her and her belief in delusions. It's a very strange realization!

[alex_beecroft]

Quite probably if she really was being persecuted by unknown organisations she'd just be dead by now, and not in possession of an interesting and glamourous life at all. I daresay it's easy enough for a billionaire to order a hit on someone slightly more serious than flat tyres.

[darkemeralds]

Very true. Unfortunately (I've discovered in conversing with her over the years of her increasing delusion) her logic is not like our earth logic. When pressed on this very point, she insists that they only want to harass her--or that she's outwitted them with her grandiose cleverness.

It's a slippery thing, but thanks to the year-long hiatus in our crazy conversation, I've got a little perspective on it. And I appreciate yours!

[kis]

Oh dear, that sounds awful. The worst bit for me would be the lack of a point you could connect on. If she's living in such a strange world in her head, almost nothing you say will penetrate.

[darkemeralds]

Yep, and over the years I've become trained like Pavlov's dog not to question her story (that's always a betrayal of friendship, you see--ding ding ding). But since I haven't actually caught her delusional disorder, I can't enter into the discussion honestly. This leaves me on the receiving end of the most boring monologues you can imagine. The past year has been such a relief.

I think I'm prepared to call it quits, or at least lay down some ground rules limiting the subject matter of our friendship to simple real-world things. Hair and makeup come to mind...

[(Anonymous)]

limiting the subject matter of our friendship to simple real-world things

But why? When the friendship offers nothing for you, it's not much of a friendship. This sounds like an incredibly sad story, but not one that you can write an ending for.

I think your relief during the past year speaks for yourself.

If it were me, I would be tempted to tell her that the forces arrayed against her are too frightening for me to risk continuing a close friendship, but that I wish her well.

[cookiemom6067]

Sorry - that anon comment was me.

[darkemeralds]

I'm beginning to accept that now, too. A thirty year friendship (I mean a real, started-in-young-adulthood-and-remained-strong friendship) isn't something you decide to cancel very quickly, but yeah. It's probably time. Nothing lasts forever.

[kis]

There comes a point where you have to think about your own sanity.

[darkemeralds]

That point came and went some time ago and I didn't realize it. Sometimes it's so hard to see the obvious!

[ravurian]

I find the whole idea - in the abstract - very interesting: a synthesis of story, driven by the desire for narrative coherency, with few distinctions between the source of information and its direct relevance to your experience. By which I mean, the gradual erosion of distinction between information derived from personal experience, and information derived from media (books, TV shows, films, the news, etc), so that it becomes to all intents and purposes a contextual whole, of which you are a constituent part. It's the equivalent of someone hacking your database and merging files, or taking up your painstakingly typewritten manuscript and not only shuffling it, but inserting pages of other novels at random points. Or that's how it seems. She's living the novel of her life.

In the abstract, it's interesting. In the specific, highly unnerving.

[darkemeralds]

I'm quite rattled, actually, by the weird coincidence of having just finished reading Misery at the time she called. Stephen King is no master of deep intellectual subtlety, but in that novel he does tackle, more or less successfully, the point where writing, madness, imagination and reality converge. (In it, the novelist is the one living the novel of his life--the insane person is simply insane.)

As always, your oblique dive into the problem has given me some real perspective. You know me: I see the whole, smooth sphere and have a hell of a time distinguishing constituent parts. So it's useful to me to think about narrative coherency here. My friend is trying to make sense of a difficult life, using highly flawed--and yet remotely plausible ["As seen on TV!"]--notions.

A key characteristic of the disorder is the term "non-bizarre delusions". The literature treads very carefully around culturally-shared delusions (presumably things like religion), and specifically places "bizarre" delusions (such as the physically impossible) outside the diagnosis.

This leaves shit that's conceivable but that most people don't use to give their lives narrative coherence. If she needs it to make sense of her life, who am I to argue? It's intellectually dishonest for me to label it crazy. I believe in several things myself that I can't justify rationally.

Mostly, I'm just done with the thirty-year conversation that has ceased to be about anything else. You've helped me clear my head on the matter.

[starfishchick]

Whoa, sounds intense.

[darkemeralds]

Yeah, it's been a strange 24 hours, thinking about it and trying to come up with a coping strategy.

[amaliedageek]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. If you aren't already reading, may I commend Captain Awkward to you? And I support everyone who says that if you meet in person, have witnesses and let it be someplace you can leave easily.

[darkemeralds]

Thank you for the link to Captain Awkward. That's wonderful! Really useful tips and advice. I've read it and am re-reading. Excellent stuff.

[amaliedageek]

You're quite welcome! It's one of the few places where I'll read the comments, as they are helpful and closely moderated to keep asshats from wrecking the joint.

For example, this:

You don’t have to be friends with anyone. You are allowed to end a friendship at any time for any reason or no reason. What I got from your letter is that, basically, you have a long history with this person and that makes you feel guilty for not wanting to be her friend anymore, but you don’t want to be her friend anymore. You haven’t liked her or enjoyed her company for a few years, you avoid situations where you have to see her, and you don’t call/text her back. That all says to me that you don’t want to be her friend, and that’s okay.

[...] I just want to say, among all the other things the Captain has said, you can give yourself permission not to like this person. You can give yourself permission to feel relieved that she’s ending your friendship. Not liking someone doesn’t make you a bad person, even if the person you don’t like is hurting. You don’t have to feel guilty about that.

. . . struck me as perhaps being relevant to this present situation.

[(Anonymous)]

So very relevant, yes. And I didn't see that comment.

Again, thank you.

[darkemeralds]

Darn phone! Dreamwidth doesn't know me by that device. That last comment was me, obvs.