darkemeralds: A round magical sigil of mysterious meaning, in bright colors with black outlines. A pen nib is suggested by the intersection of the cryptic forms. (Default)
A year ago, my oldest friend called me from her home on the east coast to say that "they" were tapping her phone and intercepting her emails, and that I probably shouldn't email her for a while.

So I didn't email, and she didn't call, and to be honest, I was glad about it. Our conversations had become stranger over the years until they were nothing but one-sided diatribes about the weird stuff people were doing to her, the men who were secretly in love with her, and the unique talents that made her so eminently employable if only people weren't so intimidated by her.

Her email address, when I finally tried it eight months later, no longer existed. I thought about tracking her down but never got around to it. Though I felt strange not knowing what had become of her, those bizarrely boring phone calls had become the whole of our relationship, and I didn't miss them at all.

She called me this afternoon from a number right across the river.

Her persecutors drove her from the east coast and harried her all the way across the United States, causing electrical shorts and flat tires in her car, interfering with her Kindle, tapping her mobile phone, and hacking her laptop whenever she got online. The story involved uranium mining and billionaires, bugs and taps and cameras.

I'm not a psychiatrist and god knows I'm aware of the hazards of labels. But the more I google, the more "delusional disorder" seems to fit her case--at least, it gives me something to pin my frustration on. If your good friend really was the object of persecution (not to mention romantic longings and glamorous corporate recruitment), she would be the most interesting friend in the world. You'd meet secretly and she'd show you some of the evidence--you know, the bug she found in her house, the screenshot of her rapidly-self-wiping hard drive, the recording of the wire-tapped phone call...And she'd probably have that amazing job by now. And a really impressive lover. And probably would have written that book, too--the one about all her amazing experiences.

But other people's delusions are boring, especially if you don't share them. She's back in town and I'm trying to figure out how to tell her that I can't take part in her stories anymore.

Mind you, if she shows me actual proof, this could get really interesting!
darkemeralds: Photo of fingers on a computer keyboard. (Writing)
Narrative urgency: when your first sentence makes your reader want the second sentence, and your second sentence makes them want the third, and so on to the end.

It's brilliant, despite having been buried in THE MOST ANNOYING WRITING CLASS IN THE WORLD OMG, taught by an autodidact with pretensions of expertise because he writes a fairly prominent blog and has a novel coming out soon. And people like me sign up and pay good money to take his class. So, define "credentials", right? Anyway, someone who irritates me as much as this guy does probably has a lot to teach me.

BUT NOT ABOUT GRAMMAR GODDAMMIT. )
darkemeralds: Jared Padalecki laughing, with text MIAEL, Mine Is An Evil Laugh. (Laugh)
Ha ha ha ha ha! Portland comes in fourth-from-last! Only San Francisco, Los Angeles and New York were bigger losers in this important contest!

Mars Snackfood US announced today the release of the “Top 50 Manliest Cities” in the U.S. – a study commissioned by COMBOS® Brand in partnership with Bert Sperling, the research expert behind the popular “Best Places to Live” studies.

Via the “Top 50 Manliest Cities” study, COMBOS® – the hearty, pretzel and cracker snack made with real cheese – examines what makes a city manly and ranks 50 major metropolitan areas using criteria such as number of professional sports teams, popularity of power tools and frequency of monster truck rallies. Cities also lose ranking points for emasculating characteristics like the abundance of home furnishing stores, high minivan sales and subscription rates to beauty magazines.


OMG this just rocks on so many levels.

UPDATE: Oh wait! That was last year. This year? PORTLAND IS DEAD LAST!

I can't stop using exclamation points! Because this is so wonderfully WTF and great and like a big pretzel filled with REAL CHEEZE!!!!

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darkemeralds: A round magical sigil of mysterious meaning, in bright colors with black outlines. A pen nib is suggested by the intersection of the cryptic forms. (Default)
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