darkemeralds. (Reply)

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Thank you for your very kind comments. I'm in transition right now (AGAIN!!!) In many ways, finding myself unemployed is like the universe hitting the reset button and giving me a chance to try again.

I had been doing a job (that, admittedly, was temporary) that provided me with LOTS of strokes and was NOT very demanding of me mentally. I left it for another temporary gig that was in the field I had finished training for in November of '09. It was extremely demanding of me mentally and, although the people were nice, I did not get the kind of outrageous strokes I had gotten at the other place. I also found it hard to deal with the mental challenges - I really just wanted it easy again. I haven't really decided if that's a character flaw or not. My inner voices certainly tell me it is.

That assignment, in spite of sly hints at permanence, ended barely over two months later and I am again unemployed, doing some freelance work.

I worry myself because I really do seem to have trouble making demands of myself - I find that I inwardly pout like a little kid at the most NORMAL things - doing taxes, doing the dishes, doing the laundry, applying for work, billing for my time, keeping a time sheet (let alone doing the work)...some days, even taking a shower!

I keep finding myself in these positions of asking myself yet again, "What is it that I want?" "What am I willing to ask of myself?"

The weight thing is tied into that, too. I hate how I look, in spite of attempts at acceptance and self-love (thin on the ground as usual), but the thought of eating more healthfully and exercising just. doesn't. appeal. AT ALL.

Add in the stressors of our financial situation (my husband has been out of work since October of 2009) and a teen daughter that is struggling with nearly ALL the same issues I struggle with and I just FLEE to read a really easy J2 PWP or schmoopy college AU as fast as I possibly can.

Totally didn't mean to throw up words all over you, em. We share so many traits (including the talent thing you so graciously mention above). I have been encouraged by your efforts to change things for yourself (and yes, I know you are journeying, not arriving). It gives me some hope that if I WERE to make efforts, they would be fruitful.

At what point is it reasonable to "rest" "give myself a break" "be kind to myself" and at what point does it become self-indulgent, lazy, dysfunctional? I am chronically stuck in the planning and thinking stages - the slum of good intentions that don't come to fruition.

When my daughter cries hysterically because she "can't" draw a picture of Harry Potter or describe the setting of "The Goblet of Fire" and throws herself on her bed in despair, I see myself, shrinking from the challenge of walking around the block or reading a "work" book. She's like an externalized representation of my own inner struggle (not to denigrate or co-opt her own struggles, of course - I'm just appreciating the irony).

I think I'll take my maunderings over to my own journal, where they belong, but thanks for your kind wishes and good luck slaying your own dragons.