darkemeralds. (Reply)

Posted by

Whenever I hear a story like this I am reminded of the divorce year, back in 1992-93. During that mercifully brief marriage it had become more and more apparent that I was not measuring up to whoever it was my wife had thought she married, and I kept suppressing more and more of my actual personality trying to MAKE IT WORK, because, well, that's what you do, isn't it? Everybody said you had to work at marriage, and I was going to by God work at it. Until it became painfully obvious that I was the only one doing so. And when I let that go, it was bitter, it hurt, but it was such a RELIEF feeling my actual self snap back into its natural shape, like letting go of a rubber band.

Here is something that I've never forgotten from that year. I was having lunch with my old friend Janet-- you probably don't remember, but you met her once, we went to see Michael Thompson's hideously awful one-man play together and then for beer and pizza after-- but anyway, I was trying to explain to Janet what had gone wrong and at one point I mentioned that my ex had hated the home library and considered it 'clutter.' And Janet just EXPLODED with exasperation. "For God's sake! Why did she even marry you then? How in the hell did she not know you come with books?! *I* know you come with books! That's who you ARE!"

It seems like such a petty little thing. But it's always stuck with me. I loved her so much for being so exasperated over it, because this was so OBVIOUS to her. From that point on, that was the yardstick: My real friends know who I am. I'm anti-social, I loathe crowds, I like shitty movies and old comics and quirky weird pieces of pop culture, I disappear into my own head often and without warning, and I come with books. The people in my life who are still in it know all of that and either are that way themselves or don't mind that I am.

I eventually met a woman who found it all endearing and I married her. And I didn't have to adjust my personality for her at all, though I behave a little better towards Julie than I do to a total stranger. But it's not WORK.

I obsessed about it a lot when I was younger, probably because of my parents who were Popular in high school and college and never quite reconciled themselves to having somehow birthed me, who was the kind of kid they loathed when they were kids themselves. I suppose it marked me some, but I got over it. As I get older I am less and less interested in putting up a front just in case people are offended by who I really am. I have enough people who know the truth and hang around anyway, and those people are generally pleasanter and more interesting. It pleases me that we are still in touch after all these years, and I've never minded your edge-ness in the least. Personally, I think like calls to like and that's all there is to it.