Awareness and outrage

[darkemeralds]

I've been thinking about outrage. Outrage is fun! It must be. Otherwise, why do I engage in it? (I just noticed that I even have a tag for it.)

If you feel strong, check out the search term "political outrage" in Google image search, and note your physical reaction. For me, it's a concentrated dose of what the rest of this post is about.



Why do I seek out opportunities to be annoyed, indignant, judgmental, critical or angry? Why, when it goes against my principles and my beliefs, do I read what trolls have to say? Why does my Twitter timeline include anyone who's pissed off all the time (and why do I ever tweet about things like bad customer service)? Why do I click on Buzzfeed article links? Why do I ever go to Facebook, ever?

I'm beginning to think it's an actual addiction. Outrage gives me a little rush, a little reward. If I pay attention, I can feel it--a drop of dopamine in the bloodstream cocktail, a touch of stress-relief.

The trouble is, the stress has to come first: there's no need for indignation if something doesn't activate fight-or-flight in the first place. For instance, if I'm terrified by an article about the hit-and-run killing of a bike-rider, outrage makes my fear tolerable. I already ride as safely as I can and there's not a fucking thing I can do about the dead bicyclist or the cowardly driver, so what's left? Outrage, that's what. It's soothing.

But is that soothed feeling so compelling that I'm actually seeking out the stressor first? Am I causing myself pain in order to get the painkiller?

Over the years, I've built a cushion around my hair-trigger trauma response, and it has saved my life. I can't afford to erode it with voluntary exposure to things that I know will outrage me. But it's surprisingly hard to quit. Sure, it's better to be in a habitual state of grace, but a hit of outrage is so much easier to score, you know? It's like a sugar rush compared to the long-term health benefits of vegetables and exercise.

I don't think total ignorance in the name of self-care is the answer, either. I'd be a bad citizen and a poor member of the human tribe if I tried to abstain completely from all potentially triggering information and ideas. There are always new issues, new points of view, and a shifting social landscape to be aware of. At a minimum, I'd like to avoid being part of the problem, even if I can't solve it.

But I do need to take care of myself first. Recognizing that my tolerance for activation is extremely low, I have to notice triggers and take action before I fall into the outrage response:

• Stop reading
• Close that tab
• Walk away
• Delete before posting
• Don't start writing that comment in the first place
• Don't stop to gawk
• Turn to something else (like funny Youtube videos)
• Respect myself and my limits
• Know when feeling cowardly now is going to prevent feeling crazy later and be okay with that
• Unfollow this person
• Heed that gut feeling
• Pay attention
• Take care of myself

.

Comments

[scribblemoose]

I really empathise with this. When I have a lot of stress in my life I go looking for things to get angry about. I watch stupid reality programmes and yell at the screen. I go troll hunting online. I am drawn in to stupid, pointless arguments and, as you say, become part of the problem. And all the while I'm eating carbs and sugar which literally feeds the outrage (and is a form of self-harming, when I think about it.

My counsellor has pointed out that this is a way of turning the anger against myself. It's not cathartic in the way that ranting to friends (my poor friends!), or writing feelings down, or going for a good stompy walk is. It becomes a vicious circle instead. And the next step from there is the dark place.

I'm working on noticing what's going on instead: when I get that urge I look at my feelings, and acknowledge them, and take a healthy option to deal with them. It's hard. But I know the other way just isn't going to help.

Wishing you all the love and support in the world, my dear.

[darkemeralds]

OMG, yes, the near-irresistible urge for carbs and sugar! That's a huge consequence of this particular triggering for me, too. And it's the oddest thing, but knowing that's what's happening doesn't help stop it once it's triggered. The susceptibility to outrage grows, and then the carb cravings increase, and it's a spiral.

I've been thinking all day about your idea that this is self-harm. I honestly had never discovered that nuance. I think of self-harm as a category of more concrete things like cutting (which I had only the briefest brush with in my adolescence), but of course you're quite right. Why, when I have at least some choice, would I choose to go troll-hunting online, unless out of an urge to harm myself? Thinking of it that way is really useful for me--really puts it into a new perspective.

I don't say it often enough, but on Twitter and here, I take so much courage and strength from you. Thank you.