darkemeralds: A round magical sigil of mysterious meaning, in bright colors with black outlines. A pen nib is suggested by the intersection of the cryptic forms. (Default)
[personal profile] darkemeralds
You know that last scene in "Heaven and Hell"? The one where Jensen should win an Emmy?

I got to thinking...






Title: You Make Me Better
A little J2 RPS
Rating: general
Word count: Oh, you know, a thousand, give or take
Unbetaed, dashed off, back to work now.

You Make Me Better

Jen leans against the Impala, staring at the ground, as the crew and the PAs and Miller and everybody do what they do when the cameras stop rolling. Everyone around here knows that as much as Jen loves applause, as much as he needs to be reassured about his talent, after a scene like the one he just nailed, what Jen needs most is to be left alone to pull himself together

Left alone doesn't include me, though. I have his back at these moments, and you know what? Having Jensen's back when he's done pouring himself out into a scene like this one still feels like a privilege. An honor.

He told me--once, late at night when we were lying there in the dark and nobody could see anybody's face and we were fucked out and falling asleep--he told me that I make him better.

It's not true, of course. I mean, he's the one that makes me better. He makes me work, he lines me up, he looks at me with those big eyes and sees all my stupid-ass, loudmouth, out-of-control faults and he loves me anyway, and nobody in the world can make me feel as important as Jen does, you know? Nobody can make me feel like even if I go sprawling flat on my face, he'll just pick me up and dust me off and keep on loving me.

But he told me I make him better, and I want it to be true, so I stood there behind him, leaning against the Impala, out of the the camera's focus, and I just, like, tried to hold him up. Gave up on trying to think what Sam would think, or sympathize with what Dean would be feeling. I just stood there and thought, if I ever lose my Jen the way Sam is losing Dean right now, I will fly into little pieces.

And he could feel it. I touched his back--camera couldn't see it, so I did it--and I just let him find that well he goes to for a scene like this one, and let him know he wasn't going down that well alone, and now here he is, staring at the ground, letting the last of it flow out of him.

When most of the crew have turned their attention to other things, a sob breaks out of him. I can feel it under my hand, more than hear it. After a second or two, I say, "Jen?"

He nods, but doesn't answer.

I move my hand on the small of his back, just a little. We don't--you know, put on any displays in public. Not real ones. Not even on the set. I mean, everyone knows and all, and it's not like in this business anyone has any issue with two guys. It's just...private. What we have is. Well, sacred. It's not for anyone else.

So I wait a minute, making a little circle on his back through the jacket, and the shirts, and the tense muscles slowly unwinding, and finally he wipes his eyes, sniffs hard, and turns to me.

Okay, yeah, I'm wiping my eyes too, and I don't mind admitting that I wanted him to see it--to see how much he affects me, how powerful he is. I say, "You..." and then no words seem big enough. So I say, "You nailed it," which he already totally knows.

He sniffles again and gets a big, shaky breath.

"C'mon," I say. I head for my trailer, not touching him, not anything like that. No need. He knows. He follows.

Inside, he just...falls. Falls into me, the way he does when he's on empty. Collapses, just for a second, and I catch him. I always do. I never want to not catch him. I hold him up, and he's boneless and empty, and we just stand there with his face pressed into my neck and my arms under his armpits, and he's hot, like burning, on fire, and little by little he starts to fill back up, and I know he's coming around again when his hands come to life on my back and my neck.

He pulls my head down--he loves doing that, he's said a lot of times that he loves not being the tall one--and kisses me like he hasn't had anything in a while and is starving for it. When I get a chance, I say, "You were amazing out there. You totally--"

But he shuts me up with another kiss. "Yeah," he says after a while. "We rocked that scene."

"You did," I say. There's no way I was even in that scene.

He moves against me, all back to life now. Like, totally back to life, in the way that makes me really glad we're wrapped and heading home. When Jen's like this, I can just clear my calendar for the night.

So he goes to his trailer to change and wash up a little, and when he comes out again, there's applause and cheering from the crew, and he's ready for it. He smiles, he makes jokes, takes hands and high-fives as he heads across to the car.

I follow along in his shadow, giving him--giving us--a little space. He's tired, he's ready to be done--I can see that in his walk. But he loves this, the applause and the recognition. He needs it, way more than I do, and I love seeing him get it. I'll get him home, and feed him in all the ways that he's hungry, and I'll have his back, and if that makes him better, then--

Well, it's where I want to be.

(no subject)

21/11/08 21:58 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] vampirefan.livejournal.com
*sigh*

i just really love this...

(no subject)

21/11/08 22:12 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] vampirefan.livejournal.com
ok... how am i going to rec this if you have it locked? :P

(no subject)

21/11/08 23:03 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] emeraldsedai.livejournal.com
I could unlock it, but then I'd out myself to certain, um, mundane family members and a friend or two...

Oh, what the hell. It's not like it's pr0n. Exactly...

(no subject)

21/11/08 22:47 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] roxymissrose.livejournal.com
Oh gosh, do you have *any* idea how happy you made me? Just be damn grateful you're nowhere near me or it could get really embarrassing. Like with hugs and screaming declarations of undying love and stuff kind of embarrassing. That is to say, you nailed it. ;)

(no subject)

21/11/08 23:01 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] emeraldsedai.livejournal.com
*stares at your icon* Wow! Gorgeous.

Hee! Glad you enjoyed it. Means a lot, coming from you. And nailing it? That's what last night's ep was ALL about!

Thanks, hon!

(no subject)

21/11/08 23:01 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] owzers.livejournal.com
*melts into a huge puddle of fangirl goo* Yes! That's exactly what happened after that scene!!!!! And the Sasquatch is damned well taking care of his Jennybean!!!!! Thank you hon for this brilliance - you da best!

(no subject)

21/11/08 23:02 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] emeraldsedai.livejournal.com
Aww, thanks, honey.

Show is just eating my brain.

(no subject)

22/11/08 13:58 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] kispexi2.livejournal.com
I wish I knew SPN canon and a little about the RL J2. (Did I get that right? *g*) You seem to have a very strong J-not-Jen voice in this and he comes across as blokey but caring and totally in awe of Jen.

But what I found really interesting was the strong themes of self-deprecation and acting. Acting, especially - because I've seen it in your RPS before and you do in differently from most people (I think). You think about the pretence and the disclosure and the tiny little gradations between. If I were a psychologist, I might be leaping to all sorts of conclusions. ;-)

(no subject)

22/11/08 16:23 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] emeraldsedai.livejournal.com
All the background you need:

In the final scene of SPN 4.10 on Thursday, the audience, along with Sam, finally learns something that's been withheld all season. It's horrific and heartbreaking, this revelation, and Jensen Ackles, who plays Dean (see icon...), gave a performance (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ebj0sM9N7X8) so emotionally raw that even people who hated the episode or don't like the show agreed that it was shattering.

Jensen is a big, extremely handsome guy, but he's dwarfed by Jared, his co-star and, um, landlord--yeah! that's the ticket, roommate, uh-huh--who is huge. They're both good actors, but Jensen is stellar. Jensen is older, more serious-minded, and quieter. Jared is a big ridiculous goof. There's loose consensus in the fic-writing fandom that Jared is in charge of the relationship and that Jensen just sort of fell into it and keeps falling.

[end of needed background]

I'm always fascinated when people write actorfic that doesn't focus on the fact that the characters are actors. To me, it's the most important thing about them. Getting to the top of a heap that demanding and exclusive isn't just a day job. And because acting, of all the fine arts, is the one that is most alien to my nature and farthest from my own talent set, I guess I'm just inordinately fascinated with it. I am, personally, all pretence and no disclosure, which is why I can't act.

So yeah. Leap away. You don't have far to jump. :D

(no subject)

22/11/08 17:08 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] kispexi2.livejournal.com
I am, personally, all pretence and no disclosure

And yet you write fiction - the most self-disclosing occupation of all!

(no subject)

22/11/08 18:34 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] emeraldsedai.livejournal.com
Well, in common with the most closeted of (RP or fictional) characters that I like to write about, I want to be seen.

Ha! How's that for a great reason to use this icon?

(no subject)

22/11/08 18:58 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] kispexi2.livejournal.com
Well, in common with the most closeted of (RP or fictional) characters that I like to write about, I want to be seen.

That's what I thought was so brilliant about Willow turning evil. She was quiet, retiring, geeky and had nightmares about appearance on stage. And yet what she really wanted was for the world to revolve around her. I know exactly how she felt!

:-) It's a scary icon but right on the money. (WTF? Did I just use 'right on the money'??? It must be the stress talking!)

(no subject)

22/11/08 19:12 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] emeraldsedai.livejournal.com
To some extent, I guess, we all want to be in the panopticon--the prison of our own making where everything we do is observed by someone.

I wonder if the complete collapse of the idea of privacy in our time is in any way related to the utter anonymity of modern life. When I put it that way, the answer seems to be, "Well, duh!", doesn't it?

(no subject)

23/11/08 11:20 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] kispexi2.livejournal.com
It really does. Of course, in the past, people believed that God was observing their every thought and deed. Maybe it's the loss of God that's made us hungrier for human attention?

(no subject)

23/11/08 18:22 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] emeraldsedai.livejournal.com
I miss God sometimes, I really do.

He'll be back. He's cyclical, I'm pretty sure.

And yeah, I think there's just a fundamental human need to be seen. It's gotta be a survival instinct. We can't live alone. If no one sees us, we die. It's not just survival of the species--reproduction--that drives us to fraternize. It's self-preservation as well.

Hence, here's me on a Sunday morning in my crowded cubicle at work with fifteen other workaholics. *eyeroll*

(no subject)

22/11/08 19:20 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] emeraldsedai.livejournal.com
By the way, and apropos of very little in this conversation except writing, and fic, and stylistic approaches, I've been very taken with a story I recently encountered called Second Glance (http://ygrawn.livejournal.com/5703.html) by [livejournal.com profile] ygrawn.

While I know SPN fic isn't going to resonate much with you, I wanted you to take a look at it and maybe soldier through the first paragraph. Because I am deeply impressed with her impossible style, and now I want to write just like her, and I'd love to get your take on it.

(no subject)

23/11/08 01:49 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] vampirefan.livejournal.com
holy crap. i read the story you recced and wow, it's really interesting! the structure is so strange yet it makes complete sense. i was randomly reading some of the responses and someone recced this other spn fic (saying it was the only other fic they thought of as highly as Second Glance) the knucklebones of skinny tree and i'm intrigued.

(no subject)

23/11/08 03:08 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] emeraldsedai.livejournal.com
The title alone makes it intriguing! I've downloaded it to the pile. I'm working so much right now that writing is actually almost out of the question, so I've been enjoying getting caught up on some good Wincest reading.

How weird is it that that seems comforting to me?

(no subject)

23/11/08 03:18 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] vampirefan.livejournal.com
woops... got the name mixed up... it's the knuckles of skinnybone tree. lol

also, someone even made a podfic for it! and there's a soundtrack too...

now i'm trying to decide if i want to listen to the fic or read it... hmmmm

(no subject)

24/11/08 17:15 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] owzers.livejournal.com
Oh baby! That's an excellent story!!! Really superior. I see I have someone riding shotgun in my crackvan - woo hoo!!!

(no subject)

24/11/08 20:09 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] emeraldsedai.livejournal.com
I started reading Skinnybone Tree last night and whoa, intriguing! Very well written and structured. I'm excited about it.

And yeah, you and [livejournal.com profile] vampirefan are Dean and Sam in the Impala o' Crack.

(no subject)

23/11/08 11:31 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] kispexi2.livejournal.com
Several thoughts rushed in on me. I'll try to follow them in order.

It reminded me of the last chapter in Ulysses - a breathless rush of emotion and thought. Of too much going on at the same time to be divisible into separate sentence because the feelings and ideas are feeding off each other, generating each other.

Did this writer have a beta? Somehow, I think not. But if they did, it was someone willing to ditch 'rules' and go with the flow. Someone who understood the writer and the writing.

The busy-ness of the thoughts created a feeling of agitation and urgency and of confusion (that felt rather drunken so I was pleased to be able to check off the alcoholic beverages to confirm that). At the same time, there was an underlying sense of purpose, as if John was trying to marshal the disorder along a particular direction. I think the wild rush of thoughts, combined with John's commitment to his cause, and against the background of his sons' togetherness, gave extra impact to that final full stop and the loneliness it emphasized.

(no subject)

23/11/08 18:18 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] emeraldsedai.livejournal.com
Wow, brilliant comments! You should consider posting this to ygrawn's journal.

Yeah, I was going to say that it was Joycean, but never having actually read any Joyce besides Portrait (and that, very long ago), I didn't like to stick my neck out. Agitation, urgency, and drunkenness are a big part of both canon and fanon on John, a fascinating and obsessed character who raised two sons to a mythic level of fucked-upness.

I'm feeling the pull of longer and more run-on sentences, after decades of striving toward brevity. I'm working on a Regency fic right now, and that gives me permission to go wild--you know, in a restrained, polite fashion.

Google Docs (which I'm in love with) has a word-count tool that also assigns a "grade level" and "readability index" to your prose. These are based largely on sentence length, with some weight given to word-size, I think. Anyway, my modern-day fic gets about a grade 4, and my Regency fic shoots up to a grade 7.

Ygrawn's would probably come in at "post-grad."

(no subject)

24/11/08 17:03 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] kispexi2.livejournal.com
It's funny; I've experienced the urge to write longer sentences my own self recently.

And I shall check out Google Docs.

(no subject)

23/11/08 06:18 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] llaras.livejournal.com
AWWWWWW.

And yay! Me likey.

(no subject)

23/11/08 06:20 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] emeraldsedai.livejournal.com
Thanks! I love the J2 in my mind.

(no subject)

26/11/08 20:21 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] germanjj.livejournal.com
this was so amazing and beautiful!! jared's words felt so real and touching and *sigh* great job! :-D

(no subject)

26/11/08 21:35 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] emeraldsedai.livejournal.com
Thank you! So glad you enjoyed. I've found Jared very unapproachable to write, so this first person thing was kind of a brainstorm. Gave me some interesting insights.

Nice of you to stop by.
Posted by [identity profile] happywriter06.livejournal.com
Just WOW!!! I'm kinda speechless. I kept saying 'yes' because that's what love is, at least in my experience.

He told me--once, late at night when we were lying there in the dark and nobody could see anybody's face and we were fucked out and falling asleep--he told me that I make him better.
Oh, man that line does things to me.
Posted by [identity profile] emeraldsedai.livejournal.com
What wonderful feedback! Thanks so much. I feel very flattered that the School has sent someone this way.

Glad you enjoyed. It made me happy to write it.

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