Merry Christmas, Darling

[darkemeralds]

...Happy New Year, too.

Actually, there is no darling in my life unless you count this laptop, but that's my favorite pop Christmas song (Karen Carpenter had an amazing voice), and it sprang to mind, ironically, this crack-o-dawn Christmas Eve as I find myself in the unexpected position of juggling the family.



It was bound to blow up sometime, I guess, this move towards Not Doing Christmas Anymore. I started it, oh, years ago, mostly because as the single and childless member of the clan, I was pretty tired of playing Bountiful Auntie Dark Em and buying presents for a whole boatload of folks and only needing, you know, one in return.

Not that I'm all that mercenary or present-hungry. I'm not--and in fact gifts received were as much of a problem for me as gifts bought, because it was all beginning to seem like a lot of stuff--but the financial and emotional burden of Christmas shopping was never really offset by any sense of satisfaction.

So I quit doing it. I begged my family not to buy me presents. It was hard, but eventually it caught on, and for the last few Christmases, we've had a dinner together, and not a lot of other fuss.

But here's the thing: one sister has been chafing against this trend the whole time. She loves Christmas, in the tinsel-lights-and-presents sense of the holiday. Meanwhile, the other sister, whose craptastic job gives her Christmas Day, and Christmas Day only, as a holiday, has opted out entirely, even from the dinner.

Our mother, meanwhile, has expressed the wish, at 80, to be excused from hosting a dinner. I'm not doing a family dinner--I started this whole thing, remember? I live in a 600 square foot house, and I own four plates and four forks. Xmas Sister would probably like to host a big dinner, but in the face of increasing family indifference, hasn't offered to do so. In short, No Plans Of Any Kind Have Been Made.

So. Email late yesterday from Xmas Sister: What time are you going to Mom's on Christmas?
Me: Mom's not doing a formal thing. Thought I'd drop in mid-morning-ish.
Xmas Sister: I know she's not doing anything formal. Just wondered about your plans
Me: What are your plans?
Xmas Sister: Oh, nothing.

Text from No-Xmas Sister: Wanna come over for hamburgers on Saturday night? [Note that she's not evening calling it Christmas.]
Me: Um...is Mom coming? I'm not comfortable leaving her alone for Christmas dinner.
No Xmas Sister: She can come too if she wants.
Me: What about Xmas Sister?
No Xmas Sister: I can't deal with her. It's my only day off.
Me: *sigh*

The upshot of all this is that I offer to go visit Xmas sister across town (her "oh, nothing," it turns out, is a little prime rib dinner). Now I have two dinners (one ground beef, one slabs of beef) to attend and must also figure out how to fit my mother into all this.

You would think that after fifty-odd years of playing the mediator, I'd have learned better. And I tried, I really did. I started the no-Christmas thing, remember?


Damn it.

Merry Christmas, darling. Happy New Year too.

Comments

[roseambr]

Oh for the love of family! Amazing how these things steam roll right over a person. No eal answer, other than making plans next year to be away so no one can mess with you, but that's a huge hassle in it's own right! I hope you find some holiday peace out of the day and survive two beef dinners! Love you lots and am wishing you a happy Christmas morning at the very least.

[darkemeralds]

Thanks. Attitude is everything, and I'll try to go forth tomorrow with a good one. Or maybe it will snow.

LOL. I wish.

Hope to see you Wednesday! Love you too.

[tehomet]

Oh, lordy! Families, eh?

Maybe next year, ye could all meet up at a restaurant for a meal, and do a Secret Santa for the presents? One of my friends has a family worse than mine half of whom feud like the Mafia and the other half are severely bipolar. That's what they do, and so far they have all survived. Only hotels serve food on Christmas Day here, but it's probably different in your locality.

I wish you very best of luck with the juggling.

[darkemeralds]

Families indeed.

I think the trend towards Not Doing Christmas is still strong, especially as No Xmas Sister's kids leave home. By next year, I hope Xmas Sister will have come to terms with the simple reality of her rather atheistic and a-festive family.

What? It could happen.

[tehomet]

What? It could happen.

Hope springs eternal! :D

[branchandroot]

*wry* I totally hear you. Especially about the "oh, it's nothing, just a tiny little Feast For Fifteen lasting Five Hours, drop in whenever you like!"

[darkemeralds]

LOL. Precisely.

[lamentables]

You would think that after fifty-odd years of playing the mediator, I'd have learned better

I think the bit you haven't learned is don't play the mediator :-D

I have my own struggles with persuading my parents not to give me presents (they can't afford it; I don't need it). So far I'm only winning because my mother gives me cheques which I don't bank. If I were feeling mean I'd give them back as presents from me to her, but she's not robust enough to handle that.

[darkemeralds]

Well, darn it, I thought I had. But clearly I'm playing a role in this farce, and The Mediator seems to be it.

That's the trouble with being in the middle: I FEEL the problem.

Not banking the Mom Cheques seems mild enough. These days it's all declining value gift cards, and not using them benefits only the merchant who sold them.

[lamentables]

My original threat was to bank the cheques and then regift the money to my bro (who needs it). I followed through, but it didn't stop my mother. Now I just ignore them.

I am very conflict-avoidy and prone to stepping up as mediator. That's why I felt the urge to point and laugh at someone else falling into the same trap. I actually have vats of sympathy for your predicament.

[darkemeralds]

I think a lot of people with a high need for peace, quiet, alone time and the like tend to be mediators, mostly out of self-defense.

As the situation is developing here on the home front, it seems that Xmas Sister is winning, and at least some family members will converge on her house for the prime rib of beef.

I mean, it's not like that's a terrible thing--we aren't vegetarians, and good food is good food. It's just...complications. Driving. Spending the whole day Doing Christmas for the sake of someone whose happiness seems to depend pretty heavily on other people's participation in her plans.

Ah well. It's just a day out of the 365.

[writerscramp]

Ye gods and little fishes, family can be such a PITA.

You know, I really love the festive side of Christmas, the decorating, the celebration, the food, the music. The whole bit, I really do. (Not the presents, as you already know.) And I think next year, I may do some of those things, may even host a fun (FUN) Festivus For The Rest Of Us sometime during the season because I've felt like it more and more this last year (although we'll see how I feel about it come November next year).

But. If I have to badger and cajole and guilt people into coming? Where's the festivity in that, I ask you? I realize it hasn't occurred to her that expecting other peoples' reluctant participation in order to make her holidays bright is pretty much everything the season isn't supposed to be about, but it doesn't change the facts of the case. Nor would it go over well to suggest that she make plans with/for people who actually want to participate and who could really use the holiday cheer...say, oh I don't know, a homeless shelter or domestic violence shelter or children's hospital or elder care home or VA hospital or I CAN KEEP LISTING IDEAS HERE IS WHAT I'M SAYING. Funny that that never seems to be on the agenda for the folks who get all het up about "OMG IT'S NOT THE HOLIDAYS UNLESS WE ALL DO THE THINGS DICTATED BY A HALLMARK CARD OTHERWISE YOU MAKE THE BABY JESUS CRY".

Ahem. Anyway, sorry that what was supposed to be a stress-free holiday has morphed. :( Sorry for your other family, too, including Xmas Sister, who seems to have lost sight of what the holidays are meant for, to wit: generosity of spirit and heart, peace on earth, good will to all.

[darkemeralds]

I will say on behalf of Xmas Sister that there's not a lot of Baby Jesus in the picture, but yeah, there's a certain adherence to tradition for reasons that seem pretty unexamined to me.

I think it will all be well. My stress level would be marginally lower, I think, if I had not gone to work today, totally thinking it was a regular workday (because, Friday...) only to find the building dark and the doors locked.

Gah! This season, with its actually-too-many holidays, absolutely ruins my sense of time. It was Friday every day this week, so why wouldn't I work on the actual Friday? *eyeroll*

All will be well. I came home, and now I'm making GF garam masala ginger cookies for the fam, something I surely was going to do anyway.

[bluemeridian]

I suppose my family handles it well enough - a gift exchange now days with a spending limit and everyone buys for any kids under 18, but that was only 3 at the most and now it's only 2 - but it still manages to get crazy and stressful. I get frustrated by the gift card trend because while I understand the sense it makes in some cases (I'm all for lowering my mother's stress levels when it comes to buying for my nephews and niece), it eventually feels like you're all just trading around money and for the love of pete why didn't we just agree to go spend some money on ourselves and save all the trouble??

Fortunately for me, I'm 3.5 hours away from home, so I can get away with going down for Thanksgiving (best one ever because my sister-in-law has miraculously relaxed and we all enjoyed ourselves without the stress) and then skipping Christmas. Of course, I still have to stop by my mother-in-laws tomorrow, but that's a half mile from home and D's in charge of those gifts. Win!

[darkemeralds]

Your situation sounds ideal for the holidays, and this time of year I kind of wish mine were similar, though the rest of year I'm very glad to have family right nearby, and I really wouldn't trade it.

The idea of just spending some money on oneself (and one's own kids) seems very practical to me!

[lyr]

Ack. Family. Can't live with 'em, can't mail 'em to Paraguay. (Damn postal regulations!) As the mediator of a big family myself, I totally feel your holiday pain.

[darkemeralds]

LOL! Paraguay. Hee.