I think I have change fatigue

[darkemeralds]

I just totally crapped out yesterday. I get on these self-improvement kicks, and I've been on one for several months now, losin' the weight, workin' the issues, and generally channeling all my creativity into this project that is My Life.

Which, when you think about it, isn't a bad place to put one's creativity...



A part of the culture I'm dipping my toe back into looks like this poster, prominently displayed at my new gym:


On the whole, I agree with the concept, though the wording is a bit less...shall we say "spiritual"?...than, for instance, "First heal yourself: the key to personal and planetary transformation," or "Be the change you wish to see in the world." But it underscores my own sense of selfish ego-gratification in even joining a gym. It's one thing to bicycle for transportation. It's quite another to use valuable time and real money just so I can, basically, wear a sleeveless dress.

Or that's how it feels sometimes.

Anyway, Zumba and extra bike miles have made my knees kind of flare up, and I saw two avenues: stay on this side of the problem by quitting Zumba and dialing back the bike riding, or drill through to the other side of the problem and find out what life is like over there.

I ran out of steam yesterday when, after two hours of focused effort involving an examination of shame, sexuality, my relationship with music, and a whole boatload of resistance to clearing any of these things, I got my damned IT bands to loosen up and let go of my fucking knees. Why knees? Why now? When did I first have knee problems? The kneebone's connected to the thighbone, the thighbone's connected to the hipbone, the hipbone's connected to the sexuality, and oh, didn't it rain.

I was useless afterwards--limp-rag useless. I was too tired even to watch TV. My house is horrifically messy, the cupboard is bare, the laundry is piled up, the shirts are un-pressed, I didn't pack a lunch today, my brain is on autopilot, and I'm just weary.



On the plus side, my knees are remarkably improved.

Comments

[executrix]

You'll probably be around for three more decades or so, so it makes a lot of sense to me that you're working now to build up the strength and flexibility you'll need to be as health and mobile as possible during those years.

That said, people need some down-time, as well as Vitamin S (for Silliness).

[darkemeralds]

Vitamin S is probably preferable to the Vitamin W in my icon! LOL

As always, thanks for the perspective.

[tehomet]

I could argue with every line of that poster, but I'll spare you both the ontology and the run-on sentences. :)

On the plus side, my knees are remarkably improved.

\o/

[karen_jk]

To put it bluntly, and I hope you take this the right way:

Give yourself a fucking break!

[darkemeralds]

LOL!

Right? It's true! And I am. I've never been this driven in my life, and it's NOT NATURAL TO ME! So I've just fixed myself a lovely meal and am surveying the evening from behind a large portion of red meat and another of single malt.

I shall tipsily wash a few dishes before going to bed. But that's it! I promise!

[lamentables]

It may seem like I'm fixated on that one thing, but see how you've not only improved your knees but also stepped outside the too-orderly routine?

(Also, that poster gives me the heebie jeebies.)

[darkemeralds]

I'm still sometimes surprised and always a bit disappointed when a thing that has been working so well and giving me so much peace of mind (as my recent systematic way of living has done) starts entropy-ing.

The constant seems to be that I keep going, and I suppose that will be a constant until I, you know, stop permanently. And in the meantime, yes, it has done me some good to acknowledge that routine, enforced beyond its natural limits, was becoming a bad thing--and to lighten up and have a drink. LOL!

The poster sort of creeps me out too. There's quite a bit in the world of fitness clubs and gyms that I find I have to determinedly ignore in order to get the benefits I've selected. Happily, the club I've joined is at least home to a wide variety of people from the neighborhood and I don't feel terribly out of place there for my size, my age, or my level of fitness.

[ranunculus]

Physical challenges, emotional challenges and the two all tangled up? Yeah, give yourself a little break, give yourself lots of warm, reassuring hugs. Remind yourself very gently and repeatedly that nothing will -hurt- you if you change.

I don't know about you, but MY inner child was terrified of change, even when it was for the better. Challenges are a lot easier now.

[ranunculus]

P.S.
Poster = shudder

[darkemeralds]

Yeah. It says so many things--wrong things, or good things wrongly.

[darkemeralds]

Thanks. I'm doing all I can (considering that it's a workday and I couldn't realistically get out of it) to be easy on myself today--even rode the bus to work instead of biking.

I did some checking last night to determine just how terrified the sub- and unconscious parts of me are at the particular changes in my life right now, and it wasn't that bad. Everybody in here is more tired than scared. I think a rest is really all that's called for. Maybe I can arrange to take a few days off (hopefully without actually manifesting a cold or an injury).

[runningwater]

Knees are about change, and the ease of that change; so I'm guessing you're right; the issues you are resisting clearing are causing the knee problems.

Plus, lots of self-work is exhausting as hell.

[darkemeralds]

Whenever I have a physical ailment of more than minor duration or discomfort, I turn to Louise Hay's You Can Heal Your Life to get my first clues about what's really going on, based on the location of the problem in my body. That book is inspired. And of knee problems it says, "Inability to bend. Stubborn pride."

I found that useful as a starting point for my efforts, hard though it was to think of myself as a stubborn person. (Proud, yes. Stubborn? No, dammit!).

And yes, it is exhausting to do that kind of work. I figure it's a measure of how much stuff I've managed to move and clear. If today is any indication, I've cleared a LOT.

Great icon!