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darkemeraldsThis wanted to be one of those posts where I complain about my job, but the problem isn't my job, it's my brain. I'm losing my ability to act like the kind of person who can do the kind of job I have.
It's not a rant-post obliquely glorifying my unique brilliance compared to the dull plodding minds of my coworkers. Nor, conversely, is it a guilt-post, confessing my secret fear that I'm not smart enough and I Will Be Found Out. Everybody's a Special Snowflake and everybody's flawed.
What it is, I think, is the beginning of an inquiry into either a developing neurological disorder or a basic thinking style which I can no longer cover up. I'm not sure which.
This inquiry might lead into the MRI tunnel (the implications of which fill me with horror), but for now I just want to try to describe my experience. It'll be practice for when I decide to consult a professional.
I want to say "I can't think anymore," but I can. I'm thinking right now. And it's tempting to say that I can't focus, but I focus on tasks many times a day (for instance, composing this post). My focus doesn't last as long as it used to, but I bet that's true of almost everyone who spends much time on the shiny, shiny internet.
My sense of something being not quite business-as-usual in my brain, however, is persistent. It's harder for me to think things through than it used to be, to focus long enough to solve a problem, and to juggle multiple pieces of data at the same time. All of these mental feats are requirements of my job, so I'm constantly confronting the lack.
A lot of it is probably an effect of age. Things just don't matter as much when reproduction is off the table. When those juicy hormones of youth go, they take giving-a-damn with them and leave a peaceful insouciance behind. At least, that's been my experience.
But maybe the mental tools I sense becoming dull should never have been my primary tools anyway. Maybe I've stopped honing them because they're unnatural to me and I'm tired of spending my life energy that way. Maybe I'm just bored.
And even if I'm neurologically broken, or breaking, maybe there's another way of being in the world besides the sharp, incisive way so glorified by school and the economy and bosses and stuff.
I don't know yet.
It's not a rant-post obliquely glorifying my unique brilliance compared to the dull plodding minds of my coworkers. Nor, conversely, is it a guilt-post, confessing my secret fear that I'm not smart enough and I Will Be Found Out. Everybody's a Special Snowflake and everybody's flawed.
What it is, I think, is the beginning of an inquiry into either a developing neurological disorder or a basic thinking style which I can no longer cover up. I'm not sure which.
This inquiry might lead into the MRI tunnel (the implications of which fill me with horror), but for now I just want to try to describe my experience. It'll be practice for when I decide to consult a professional.
I want to say "I can't think anymore," but I can. I'm thinking right now. And it's tempting to say that I can't focus, but I focus on tasks many times a day (for instance, composing this post). My focus doesn't last as long as it used to, but I bet that's true of almost everyone who spends much time on the shiny, shiny internet.
My sense of something being not quite business-as-usual in my brain, however, is persistent. It's harder for me to think things through than it used to be, to focus long enough to solve a problem, and to juggle multiple pieces of data at the same time. All of these mental feats are requirements of my job, so I'm constantly confronting the lack.
A lot of it is probably an effect of age. Things just don't matter as much when reproduction is off the table. When those juicy hormones of youth go, they take giving-a-damn with them and leave a peaceful insouciance behind. At least, that's been my experience.
But maybe the mental tools I sense becoming dull should never have been my primary tools anyway. Maybe I've stopped honing them because they're unnatural to me and I'm tired of spending my life energy that way. Maybe I'm just bored.
And even if I'm neurologically broken, or breaking, maybe there's another way of being in the world besides the sharp, incisive way so glorified by school and the economy and bosses and stuff.
I don't know yet.
from raindancer_jess at LJ
21/10/11 00:54 (UTC)I can at least share my experience and maybe bits of that will help? I am an accountant/financial analyst. When I started school for these things a dozen years or so ago they came very naturally with no effort. Now I have difficulty setting up simple journal entries. It's like that part of my brain went on strike and has never come back, and at this point I don't think it will. At work I cope by doing things very consistently and leaving myself little notes everywhere. If there is a chance I'll look at something more than a week away, I leave myself instructions on where that data came from, because I won't remember. This has been very helpful.
I am also realizing that I am really not cut out for this type of work. I started a photography business and LOVE it. I started selling candles. These seem to activate the parts of my brain that want to be active, and I don't need to do math or juggle data, and I am happy with these things. For me, I think I was trying too hard to do something that is not what I'm meant to do.
Re: from raindancer_jess at LJ
21/10/11 04:08 (UTC)The image of part of the brain going on strike is very apt. I, too, cope (to the extent to which I cope at all) by being consistent and using lots of aids to memory and organization. There's nothing wrong with any of that, but the amount of energy I have to spend on it is draining me. And of course, the stress of that exacerbates whatever might actually be going on neurologically.
Thank you again for your insights. This has really helped me order my thoughts.