Crib notes for life's final exams

[darkemeralds]

I turned 60 in December.



For a long time, I had been living in secret terror over a potential cancer diagnosis. Every day--every hour, sometimes--was a test of my ability to be calm, to live in the moment, until I had the courage to Find Out.

On my 60th birthday, a poem serendipitously came my way: The Layers by Stanley Kunitz. It's a poem that looks back on life, and it struck such a profound chord with me on that day that I wrote it out by hand. I sent it to people who know me well. I started to memorize it. It was my new poem, the poem for my Third Act.

I went out afterwards for Chinese tea and a Tarot reading. I walked through the neighborhood in the cool, damp December mist, treading softly on the balls of my feet in order not to ruin my important birthday by disturbing the fragile shell of ice holding my death-terror at bay.

I have walked through many lives,
some of them my own,
and I am not who I was,
though some principle of being
abides from which I struggle
not to stray.

The Death card didn't come up in the Tarot reading. Just The Fool.

Well, I finally Found Out a few days ago. I do have cancer. The kind of skin cancer that is highly treatable. It wasn't too late. But it was almost too late.

In my darkest night,
when the moon was covered
and I roamed through wreckage,
a nimbus-clouded voice
directed me:
“Live in the layers,
not on the litter.”

The treatment doesn't involve hair loss or bone marrow or radiation, or even much cutting (there was a biopsy and two stitches). Just some topical chemotherapy--which is to say a toxic and super-irritating cream--that I'm responsible for administering to myself over the next several weeks.

The lesion is on my chest, more or less where I was figuratively stabbed in the heart about ten years ago. I believe strongly that the body becomes a map of life's indignities and sorrows, and by the age of 60, it's getting tired of hiding them.

Oh, I have made myself a tribe
out of my true affections,
and my tribe is scattered!
How shall the heart be reconciled
to its feast of losses?

My relief, of course, has been only partial, and slow in coming. There was the visual diagnosis, then a two-week wait for lab results to rule out the really bad kind of skin cancer, then the phone call, and the relatively good news, and some private tears of gratitude. Then came the ramp-down, walking on my whole feet again, Knowing and Taking Action, and the slow bleeding-off of the long period of terror.

And now I've got this weird involvement in pharmaceuticals and doctors' offices, where people all act like everyone has cancer and why should we have to explain anything to you, are you new?

(And also, this is dermatology, so you go into this chi-chi doctor's office and are surrounded by trophy wives who are there for beauty treatments, and you really don't fit in because you've clearly let yourself go, and it's like actual skin cancer is the ghetto part of that practice.)

I knew there was something I needed to get off my chest.

Yet I turn, I turn,
exulting somewhat,
with my will intact to go
wherever I need to go,
and every stone on the road
precious to me.

I am, you might say, mostly out of the woods. I intend to come all the way out, with every tool and weapon at my command. And meanwhile, I have a lot of living in the moment, beyond fear, under my belt.

Which, after all, at 60 is a good idea in any case.

The poem ends:

Though I lack the art
to decipher it,
no doubt the next chapter
in my book of transformations
is already written.
I am not done with my changes.

So today, I got this.

Comments

[panisdead]

Oh, you are so great. Love the tattoo--how completely perfect.

I'm glad it was the highly treatable kind.

[darkemeralds]

Thank you. I'm glad too.

I told the nice tattoo man today that this was my first, last and only tattoo. He just looked at me like, "Yeah, right. You'll be back."

And you know, I don't rule it out! It was kind of fun.

[scribblemoose]

So pleased for you that it was treatable. And that's a great tattoo. :)

[darkemeralds]

Thank you. I'm pleased too.

The tattoo is starting to be itchy today...

[donutsweeper]

Glad to hear it was such a treatable kind!

[darkemeralds]

Thank you. Me too!

[executrix]

It's kind of like a ficathon. Yeah, you could have gone to the doctor earlier, but it was like you made a big push right before the deadline. And you're going to be fine, the way fics turn out fine when the writer gets into the groove due to deadline pressure.

[darkemeralds]

Your point of view, as always, is salutary and uplifting. That's an excellent analogy, and reminds me a lot of one of the large patterns that characterizes my whole life.

Thank you.

[blueraccoon]

I love your tattoo! I'm getting my next writing tat on Tuesday; I can't wait.

[darkemeralds]

Thanks! I didn't know quite what to expect. The tattoo man said, "Wow, you have absolutely no hair on your arms!" and I said, "Yeah, that's because I Epi-Lady'ed my arms last night."

The actual tattooing hurt slightly less than the Epi-Lady-ing.

[blueraccoon]

Linework doesn't hurt that much, from my experience. Shading hurts like a bitch. My left arm has a ton of shading in it and it hurt way more than my other tattoos. I'm not really looking forward to getting the next one done but I am looking forward to having it.

[darkemeralds]

I hope it comes out gorgeous!

[cathexys]

That is really gorgeous and great!!!!

And glad everything was treatable.

[darkemeralds]

Thank you. Things are looking up. :D

[without_me]

Sending good health (and other) thoughts! Your tattoo is lovely.

[darkemeralds]

Thank you!

[azurelunatic]

What a lovely tattoo, and I'm so glad things are working out okay after all.

[darkemeralds]

Thank you. Every day is a gift. It's a cliché, but a good one.

[eavesdownabbey]

I love this post, and had no idea this was happening.

The tattoo is wonderful!

[darkemeralds]

Thank you. It's all settled in now, and I still like it very much.

[darkemeralds]

And where's my letter?? :D

[eavesdownabbey]

I became distracted by Carol Tuttle and LJ! It will be there soon!!!