File 'em under S

[darkemeralds]

By now, everyone's seen the latest cast photos from Serenity, right?

I feel like these people are my friends. My very, very good-looking friends, but still, they're folks. They show up at events dressed pretty much like me. Sometimes worse (*fixes Nathan with a scathing quirk of the eyebrow*).

Now they've been kidnapped by a cult. In Stepford.

Part of me is all, "Yay! They look like movie stars and everyone in the world will be able to see how beautiful they are."

The rest of me saves the photos in a file called SluttySerenity. (Thanks to kispexi2 for helping me clarify my thoughts.)




Maybe the lack of focus is a blessing.

The ONLY explanation I can find for this trainwreck is "budget." They couldn't afford an Annie Liebowitz.

So here's what I think they did instead. This is my fanwank and I'm stickin' to it.

They hired an inexpensive photographer. He's cheap because he hasn't quite got the hang of that wide-angle thing yet. Or, you know, focus.


Wah-wah head.


Morena probably frowned a little when she saw this.


Must be all the beauty that caused the film to blur.

Now, maybe Joss wanted these photos to be everything that "Serenity" ain't. Isn't. So the photographer watched clips from the movie, then went batshit with color and slickness and snazzy contemporary locations. Funny, he's managed to retain Kaylee's taste.

His makeup artist has one clever trick, and that trick is to make everyone look like dolls!


Can you find the real doll?

As for wardrobe, they took Joss's notes--"original, distinctive, quirky"--and dressed the women out of Frederick's of Hollywood. They went to the Junior League Thrift Shop for the men, and told them to wear their own comfy shoes.

So there they are at this all-day shoot, our Big Damn Heroes good-naturedly going along with the wardrobe changes, posing in various artistic settings. Those boxes of liquor on the wall are sure classy. And hey! How about those birch rods!


Subtle, huh?

But whoops--they didn't get a shirt for Sean, so he has to wear the one he's got on--with a too-large tuxedo as well as with a baseball jacket approximately the color of peanut butter.


"Hey, maybe if we flip the collar up, it'll look more adult."

Finding jeans to fit Adam at a thrift shop was problematic, and they have to stuff him into a pair that's a size too small.


This one, I'm not complaining about all that much.

Why finding a suit jacket in Alan's size was a problem I can't guess. He's gotta be a 42 regular. Maybe a tall.


For that extra-schlubby look.

But by gum they've got a big fan to blow everyone's hair back because that always looks cool. And they have pancake makeup and glowy powder, and they aren't afraid to use it.


I admit it: she looks gorgeous. But homogeneous. I'm stickin' with homogeneous.

The ONLY thing they got right, in my opinion, is the pinstripe motif. That's irony, see--because what's more establishment and button-down than pinstripes?--and it wouldn't surprise me if Joss actually dictated that detail.


No, it's not pinstriped. But it is one other thing they got right.

So Joss and his production company wind up with this mess, and there's no budget or time to re-shoot it. The photos are overdue. They have to be released.

Sean is dismayed at being made to look so very...um... Yeah, that's not helping his career.

Unless, as kispexi2 points out, he's planning a career in WWII movies.

Nathan didn't realize he had quite such a fey look in his repetoire.

It's all in the head-tilt. And the Pan-Cake.

Summer is thrilled because she looks so grown up and glamorous--though stepping on Nathan's genitals with a purple high heel is symbolism she's not entirely comfortable with.

Brought to you by the folks who thought the birch rods were subtle.

Gina's NOT happy about the pregnant look.

And "braless in orange chiffon" is always so classy.

Ron, Adam and Jewel are pretty satisfied--they're such old pros that they never take a bad picture, and they aren't that vain anyway.

I have a red-eye corrector. Don't the pros have a tooth-glare corrector?

Alan hasn't seen the photos at all and couldn't care less.


Imagine if a REAL artist had gotten hold of this job. Imagine the as-yet undiscovered Greg Edmondson of glamor photography, the Carey Meyer, the Joss. We could have had "sexy elegance." Or "fun in the sun." Or, hell, I don't know, "apres-ski cocktails around the big stone fireplace."

But no. They went with the old tried and true "Barhopping Sluts" motif.

Sigh.

Comments

[taligator.livejournal.com]

Well .. I agree they aren't the best pics in the world but my oh my the hotness is there still - underneath all the bad clothes, lighting, makeup, fashion model look ..

Gah. I want.

[emeraldsedai.livejournal.com]

No one's arguing with the hotness of this cast. But Hollywood sure can't resist making it look cheap.

[taligator.livejournal.com]

That's for certain ..

The thing that struck me odd was the placement of the characters. They had them all over the place and not where I felt they should be. I'm sorry if it's cliche or something but Zoe should have her hands on her husband and not on Jayne. And Simon should be much closer to Mal .. at all times. :)

Though I gotta say the placement of River between SImon and Mal was rather hot .. and man the pervy thoughts.

[emeraldsedai.livejournal.com]

Heh, yeah, the positioning wasn't without its intriguing implications.

The goal of the photoshoot is clearly to get us to see these actors rather than the characters they play. It says, "Look how beautiful and moviestar-like our cast is."

On the other hand, the placement in the first couple of images made me wonder if it's hinting at plot developments in the sequel. No spoilers here--I know nothing--but Joss is cagey.

And yeah, Sean and Nathan sure have their footsies goin', don't they?

[taligator.livejournal.com]

Mm. Love the icon.

I'll have to go back and stare at these pics more la ter. *G*

Since you seem to be up on the Joss'ness, any word on what he's doing next?

[emeraldsedai.livejournal.com]

Writing the script for "Wonder Woman." Presumably also going to direct it.

[executrix.livejournal.com]

As far as I'm concerned, they're pictures of the actors, not pictures of the characters. I'm a lot more interested in the characters, but I can understand that actor-type-persons would enjoy getting into the dress-up box and wearing a pound of makeup.

[emeraldsedai.livejournal.com]

Absolutely. They've done everything possible to remove the actors from their characters in these pictures. And yeah, the characters are, generally, better-written than the actors and therefore more interesting.

I'd still like to cling to the fantasy that they didn't wear those things of their own choosing, though.

[executrix.livejournal.com]

Whereas I prefer to assume that the only reason Sean had those shirts in the first place is that he lost an election bet or something.

[emeraldsedai.livejournal.com]

Yeah. He bet on gay marriage being recognized in Oregon. Poor thing. And now he has all these various combinations of brown and stripes, and is honor bound to wear them.

The question is: till when? Till when, Sean?

[executrix.livejournal.com]

Can we buy him a nice shirt to commemorate the California statute?

JAYNE: *I* could buy you a slinky dress.
ZOE: I can hurt you.

[emeraldsedai.livejournal.com]

Something like this?

[executrix.livejournal.com]

Bwahaha! I'd kind of go with the Lord Byron open-collar-big-sleeves-velvet-pants look myself.

[emeraldsedai.livejournal.com]

You see, I'm perfectly willing to manip them into quite mind-boggling clothes myself. I just don't want anyone else doing it, you know?

These are my gorram dolls.

[llaras.livejournal.com]

*giggles*

I'm not complaining about Adam's jeans either.

And I think Ron looks terrific. *rowr*

[emeraldsedai.livejournal.com]

Yep, I can find no fault with Ron in these images. In my cynicism, I reckon it's because, as a man of 60, he's no longer subjected to the cheapening sexification of Hollywood--and therefore looks both sexy and dignified. And fun.

[vchrusch.livejournal.com]

I'm not really complaining, but then again I'm easy to please. :)

[emeraldsedai.livejournal.com]

Yeah, catch me again after they've released the Slutty Boys individual shots.

"NEWSFLASH: Serenity Knocks Over a Salvation Army Store!"

[owzers.livejournal.com]

Gah! It's like they were dressed by 6 year olds who went thru boxed up clothes found in the basement. And the makeup matches. Sheesh! I really hate frosted pink lipstick, on anyone. I didn't think it was possible, but they managed to make Gina look frumpy - and that woman is a living goddess! And Morena is the least pretty in these shots, and she's breathtaking on the show. And the distorted lens the photographer used on Adam's head? Kinda scary. Loved your callout for that!! Great job with this! Only thing I loved about these pics was the boy bulges. Yum!

Re: "NEWSFLASH: Serenity Knocks Over a Salvation Army Store!"

[emeraldsedai.livejournal.com]

Well, join the Pervy Old Fangirl Club, darlin'.

[kispexi2.livejournal.com]

10/10 for snark - appropriate snark.

Looking at those pictures I suddenly understand the puritan hatred for theatre and the confusion between 'Actor' and 'Prostitute'.

I'd be okay with this if they were in characters as tarts - but they're posing here as themselves. And they've all got their feet of clay on.

The question is - did they jump or were they pushed? And if pushed, who did the shoving?

BTW the solo Jewel pic in that green number is even more revealing. *shakes head*

[emeraldsedai.livejournal.com]

Of the photo of the green satin sleeparound from Frederick's of Hollywood, As my 11-year-old niece said: "Oh look--you can just about see her crotch."

She's really into the word "crotch" right now, and these photos gave her some opportunities to exercise it.

I hold steadfast to the fantasy that they were pushed, as stated, by the best photographic team poor Serenity's overstretched PR budget could buy. Which is to say the sophomore class of photography majors at LA Art Institute.

[emeraldsedai.livejournal.com]

Oh, and funny you should mention the actor/whore thing. It comes up in my story.

[wedjateye.livejournal.com]

SluttySerenity sums it up for me pretty well. Jewel's green number is the worst. She looks like she's off to work at the bordello.

Only Ron looks good. Though he still has a thing for that pole...

[emeraldsedai.livejournal.com]

Hee! Yes, Ron likes that pole.

And I agree--he looks good. He combines dignified and sexy (plus nice, and fun) in ways that Sean and Nathan can only hope they attain over the next 20 or 30 years.

[seraphina-pyra.livejournal.com]

*giggles*