Then I was inspired, now I'm sad and tired

[darkemeralds]

It's gonna be a few days, I think, before I've got my skin back on after posting the last of Restraint. I feel pretty raw and fluttery at the moment. I tossed and turned last night after hitting the go-button on the AO3, not out of any particular fear or anticipation of the reactions the story would get, but because this huge thing that has occupied my creative territory for more than two years has pretty much decamped, and the place looks like Max Yasgur's farm on August 19th.

I overslept this morning--on purpose, really--and rode to work in the freezing wind, which actually felt good. I look like hell, too: puffy, red eyes. I cried a lot. I mean, seriously, if I were an actor? And needed to cry for some scene? I could just think about the last few paragraphs of Restraint and bingo. Insta-tears. I'm such a sap.

So what's next? Podfic, I think. I think I could just about face transforming someone else's creative work. I'm looking forward to digging back in to Blue Skies From Rain, and participating in podfic_bingo.

Losing weight continues to be a surprisingly creative endeavor, too.

And also? Paint. I might just paint the whole inside of my house.

Later on, when my skin is back, I hope I'll get another story idea.

Comments

[karen_jk]

I've been melancholy all day because of the end of the novel. But in a good way.

Please be good to yourself! Congratulations on this major achievement.

[darkemeralds]

Had a comfy tuna sandwich and am frankly not working very hard at my job. Eating almonds, too.

[twasadark]

I always feel a great sense of let-down when I finish a project such as this as well. I think it's the sudden absence of such a great, focused effort. There's always a mourning period after the initial euphoria that it's OVER.

Pat yourself on the back, bb. You did a great thing. I'm looking forward to listening to it on podfic now that it's completed. :-)

[darkemeralds]

Ooh! I can hardly wait for the podfic myself! *crosses fingers*

And thanks.

[ravurian]

I'm not looking at the comments because I don't want to be spoiled, but just wanted to add my congratulations and commiserations for finishing. It must be a hell of a shock to resurface after two years of immersion, but what a feat, my dear, and what quality! I can't wait to read.

[darkemeralds]

Aw, thanks! If you do read it, I hope you enjoy it!

[weimar27]

are you recording that fic (Blue Skies from Rain)? If so that's awesome.

[darkemeralds]

I am! I've completed ten chapters now, I think. I'm having loads of fun with it. It's one of my favorites in this fandom.

[weimar27]

mine too. exciting.

[kis]

*hugs* It's a loss. This thing you nurtured and loved, built up hopes for and feared for, has grown up and gone out into the big wide world. It doesn't need you any more. It's kind of like when a kid leaves home.

[darkemeralds]

I've heard that analogy made before. I don't know for sure, of course, but I can see where there's some similarity.

What's so very, very odd in this case--what's been odd throughout the long journey of writing this piece--is that because my fandom life is in a separate closet from the rest of my life, people I see and talk to in person every day don't know what I've done.

It was weird during the writing process ("What are you going to do with your three days off?" "Oh, you know, hang out, take it easy [write a heartbreaking argument/hot sex scene/moment of powerful insight between these two pretend men who've been living in my head for the last two years]"]), but now that it's done, not feeling able to say "OMG LOOK WHAT I'VE ACCOMPLISHED"--it's just really, really strange and schizophrenic.

[kis]

Tell me about it! I too iz a sekrit writer.

[darkemeralds]

Thank goodness for the interpipes, huh?

What's extra odd is that I've "come out" to a couple of RL friends about writing a gay romance novel--not expecting them to read it or even be all that interested, just wanting to tell someone, you know? And it's as if I never said a thing. No interest, no further inquiry, nothing. After "Really? Wow. What made you want to write something like that?" total radio silence.

Sends a person scuttling back into the closet pretty sharply.

[kis]

*nods*

I've only come out to one RL person, and after TM, she's shown no interest really. Not even asked about it. I forget that other people don't see writing as important.

[darkemeralds]

Discouraging.

The desire and the ability to apply a coherent narrative to vast swaths of intellectual concepts, symbols, emotions, and Important Ideas--in short, to tell stories--seems like one of the most important activities in all of human life and history.

[kis]

Perhaps that's the reason people don't ask or don't respond to the revelation? It's too important for small talk? Or they can't quite match the person they perceive you as to something Deep? I don't know!

[darkemeralds]

I imagine it's simpler than that: they're thinking about themselves. And since they themselves aren't writers, there's nothing to say.

[kis]

Yes, that's very probably part of it too. And, a related fear of getting too personal?

[darkemeralds]

That too. Writing is very personal. Writing a gay-themed romance is...well, I can imagine the other person thinking ' I wonder what that means about HER,' and then deciding not to go there out of sheer NOMB-ness.

[kis]

Have you noticed that Romance seems to imply hearts, flowers, candlelit dinners and maybe some kissing, whereas Gay Romance implies shagging and kink? I mean, that's the way non-fans seem to view it. And indeed some fans!

[darkemeralds]

It makes a kind of sense, I guess. Romance also tends to end with the marriage proposal or (in the popular alternate where the couple is already married but only for convenience) at the bedroom door.

I'm pretty sure the difference you mention is related to why women like slash: Self and Other. If it's self, let's view the happy, exciting parts of relationship and stop the story before pregnancy and laundry come into the picture.

If it's Other, well, we can enjoy the seemingly consequence-free sex between two people for whom neither pregnancy nor laundry will be an issue.

[kis]

we can enjoy the seemingly consequence-free sex between two people for whom neither pregnancy nor laundry will be an issue.

Hee! That is definitely part of the appeal.

[cat63]

I've just started reading Restraint - about to start on Chapter 8 - and I'm loving it to bits so far. You have the wonderful ability to establish a character in a few lines and their backstory in a brief scene, which I've seen lacking in some published books I've read.

I'm very much looking forward to reading the rest of it. Nice touch having their first meeting in Winchester :-)

[darkemeralds]

I'm so pleased that you're reading and enjoying it so far!

I had fun leaving Supernatural breadcrumbs in the story, though I have to say that it really stopped being fanfic per se pretty early on.

I hope you enjoy reading the rest of it.