The Ink-Pot and the Palette

Some days--not nearly as often now as in my past, thank goodness--I get so ratcheted up with all the things I don't have words for, all the things I've chosen to withhold, all the complexity of what I can and can't say in this or that circumstance, that it drives me to a state of "global high alert". That's the anxious, hyper-vigilant, nauseous, alarmed feeling that would probably be useful if there were a predator at the cave entrance, but which is counterproductive in the modern world.

( Some weeks are better than others. )

I see the counselor again in the morning about my job. My first session a couple of weeks ago got me down out of the boughs about the unrealistic demands of my new assignment, and since then I've become more comfortable with them.

I'm hoping this second session will jump-start my brain again, because I feel mentally paralyzed, in a very eerie and creepy way.

I had some numbers to generate this afternoon, and I simply could not make myself focus on them. It's true that numbers are not my best thing, but this wasn't calculus, just some spending data analysis. I had the most horrible feeling of stupidity, of wondering if I seem stupid to my coworkers, and of desperately wanting to hide my stupidity.

This is, frankly, unprecedented in my life. In the long list of less-than-positive things one could truthfully say about me--moody, insecure, shame-based, lazy, angry, arrogant, obsessive, persnickety, mean, selfish--"stupid" just doesn't appear.

It's realistic, I think, to expect a certain drop-off in mental acuity as the happy life-dancing hormones decline--I will, after all, be 55 in a month. But this overnight-idiot act is freaking me out.

After a lovely three-day weekend of cool sunshine, bike rides, pleasant online conversations, long sleeps, and other defining characteristics of good weekends, I'm girding my loins (or are they loinesses?) to return to the World's Tallest Basement tomorrow.

I have Taken Steps to re-balance my mind in relationship to my suddenly-doubled job.

First, I've made an appointment with a counselor for Wednesday morning through the Employee Assistance Program. We're going to discuss work styles, learning styles, and stress management. There will probably be several sessions.

Second (and this doesn't sound like much but it IS), I've made an appointment to get my hair cut. Tomorrow. In the middle of workday. By the really good haircutter. I've been putting it off for weeks because I haven't wanted to take the time away from the office. Well screw that. My current hair style is supposed to be super short, and right now it's grippably bushy, and driving me nuts.

Third, I've been working really hard to curb my emotional overeating, and it's making a big difference in how I feel while I'm awake, and how well I sleep. Also? Kale is my latest food discovery and I've been eating it by the bunch. I can't begin to tell you how odd this is for a person to whom the entire range of edible vegetables was asparagus and spinach up until a couple of weeks ago.

So, wish me luck tomorrow. It's when I begin to restructure my job.