Shame shame shame

[darkemeralds]

Reading dieters' blogs leaves me with the impression that nothing bad ever, ever happened as a result of losing weight. It's all good, all the time, right? Rah rah zis-boom-bah, go team!

(NOTE: I'm only referring to reasonable, intentional weight loss attained through moderate calorie restriction and good exercise. Just so we're clear.)

But it's not. There are difficulties. At least, there are for me.



Having overcome some of the initial weight-loss hurdles now, I'm noticing something that I haven't seen any dieting cheerleader mention: shame.

I'm not a big believer in psychology--I'm not even sure there's such a thing as "mind"--so this is talky-meat using psych terms for want of accurate biological ones. I feel physically vulnerable. I want to hide. I'm assailed by intrusive head-voices reminding me of past failures, and when I shut them up, the horror-movies start.

Seriously, I'm riding my bike down a quiet side street and involuntarily envisioning being run over by a bus--with all the details. This is not normal, intelligent, risk-aversive awareness here. This is crazy.

And when I manage to shake those images off, I find myself having attacks of vagueness. I brought groceries home on Monday night and completely forgot to put them away till this morning (yeah, that salmon was a big waste...)

All of these things are familiar symptoms of shame. I know them very, very well. It's just that I haven't been troubled by them much for the past couple of years.

So I'm developing a metaphor. Again, I don't believe this is literally, physically what happens, but it's all I've got: it's as if my history is bound up in my fat, and as layers melt away, I'm reliving the bad things that I put the fat on to buffer myself from.

No, I've never been hit by a bus. That's just a stand-in for general traumatic shame, horror, helplessness and damage at the hands of careless others.

Maybe I'm unusual in this. Maybe I'm hypersensitive to these particular nuances. Maybe I'm full of shit. I don't know. But if anyone else ever had this kind of reaction to fat-loss, it's no wonder they rush to regain it.



It's not life-threatening. It's not even diet-threatening (so far). But it's not nothing either, so I thought I'd write it down.

Comments

[tehomet]

I'm not making light of what you're experiencing, because it certainly sounds challenging, but don't you think it's possible that if instead of aiming to and beginning to lose weight, you were going off to graduate school, or putting up anarchist posters in support of a cause you believed in, or teaching your first series of fly-fishing classes, or whatever, it would still take a certain amount of mental adjustment, and involve a certain amount of feeling vulnerable?

[scribblemoose]

People don't get fat by accident. (Well, maybe if they fall into a vat of peanut butter and have to eat themselves out *g*) There's a reason we eat too much and/or the wrong things and/or don't exercise enough - a reason we don't look after ourselves properly.

By looking at how you feel, and perhaps looking back at what happened before you put on the weight, or when you learned the habits that encouraged your weight gain, you can see what's going on. Like all our habits, healthy or otherwise, they serve a function for us. If you strip away those habits, you're bound to feel the feelings you were using them to avoid. You need to put new, healthy strategies in their place - finding healthy ways to protect yourself and build your self-esteem - to replace them.

[tehomet]

Were you intending to address me, or did you accidentally hit Reply in the wrong place?

[scribblemoose]

Sorry, I hit reply in the wrong place! It's been a long day. My apologies!

[tehomet]

That's okay, scribblemoose.

[darkemeralds]

I'm fairly certain that I personally gained a lot of weight because I had no inbuilt control that said to stop eating, and a very strong inbuilt control that said "OMG stave off the coming starvation! EAT ALL THE FOOD! QUICK!"

Coupled with a deeply held mystical belief that no extraordinary (read "unnatural") measures should be necessary for me to have a "natural" weight, this was a recipe for the exact degree of obesity I've managed to attain. But I would never say that I gained weight with conscious intent. I didn't do it "by accident," but I certainly didn't do it on purpose.

That said, I agree completely that I can't just remove old habits and not replace them. Extraordinary measures are required, and will be required the rest of my life if I don't want to be a fat person anymore. These weird days of shame and trauma-reenactments are certainly reminders to me of how easy it would be to go skittering back to food-land, and I want to be fully conscious both of the dangers and of the need for new safety strategies other than food.

[scribblemoose]

I didn't mean to say you did it consciously on purpose, by the way, I'm talking more about the subconscious.

[darkemeralds]

I've been thinking about this for a couple of hours and trying to articulate my thoughts about it. In a nutshell, I think we're saying the same thing in different terms. I've abandoned psychology and most of its concepts, including "the subconscious mind," and have found that "the body" and "biochemistry" are effective substitutions.

So where psychology might talk about drives and motivations, I would try to think in terms of chemical imbalances, hormones, evolutionary imperatives, and so on.

Both paths lead to the same general place: in this instance, that things more or less outside my conscious control drove me to get very fat. The difference--and I feel like it's an important one--is that the biological, deterministic view dispenses with the subtle morality of the psychological view, and leaves aside all questions of "why", which I've found to be without value in actually making change for myself.

Embracing the purely-physical has opened the way to solutions that are imperfect, partial, incremental and technological, and has freed me from the quest for the Ideal Solution that I believed was supposed to come from healing my psyche.

So (whew!) thank you for giving me the opportunity to organize all those thoughts into clear(ish) sentences!

[darkemeralds]

Absolutely. There's some element of the new here, and newness and vulnerability go hand in hand for me, as I imagine they do for many people.

By staying conscious of the negatives, I hope I can mitigate them. That way, I'm less likely to abandon my fly-fishing class halfway through, and then have to live with the shame of failure.

I have more past shame about weight and its loss and gain than with anything else, so it's natural for me to learn these lessons and play out these trials on that field than on any other.

[tehomet]

Absolutely. There's some element of the new here, and newness and vulnerability go hand in hand for me, as I imagine they do for many people.

Logically, then, it is likely that as time passes, you will feel more comfortable. Hope so!

[darkemeralds]

I expect so. It certainly helps to be no longer in the Male Gaze, and able to go through my changes more or less privately.

Something's Lost, and Something's Gained, In Living, Every Day

[executrix]

When I was an anorexic teenager, I was convinced that if I was very thin and won a National Merit Scholarship, I would get to be in the Seventeen College Issue, which (for reasons that now escape me) I thought was Essence de Cool On a Coolburger Bun. I was and I did and I wasn't in the magazine, which disappointed the hell out of me.

I think that all heavy people have at least some degree of belief that Thin = Perfect Life, and we really don't ever want to get to Thin and then there's nothing there but, well, Life.

Re: Something's Lost, and Something's Gained, In Living, Every Day

[darkemeralds]

I imagine everyone has some Holy Grail, and I agree that for fat people, it's often Being Thin. It certainly has been for me, though I've definitively proved to myself that a terrific figure and considerable good looks did not, in fact, change a damn thing other than my dress size and the amount of street attention I got.

Seventeen Magazine was a strangely powerful force in my life too. I distinctly remember learning from it that a girl 5'10" should weigh about 120, 125 lbs. I'm sure it must have been the stats on some fashion model built like a heron, but that number fucking ruined my life and started me on the diet treadmill.

I no longer know what I expect weight loss to do for me other than render me thinner and give me access to better clothes. Certainly not buy me love, promotion, or attention (none of which I want anymore). I'd like to fit better in airplane seats, I guess, and of course the health statistics become more real as time goes on. I can already say that my knees and hips are improved and I see no reason why I shouldn't see ankle and foot improvements as I go on.

Mostly though, it's just that One Fucking Thing I'd Like To Do Before I Die. The Mount Everest of my life, kind of.

[karen_jk]

I wonder if there is actually something chemical going on with your brain. Your body is getting kinda tricksy with you, maybe...it is in a bit of shock from the change, and you are having some brain crazy stuff go on as a result. I mean, it could be shame that makes you imagine going under a bus, or it could be your body saying: the amount of calories has gone way down! I must be dying! Panic time!

If this is true then time will hopefully make the difference and your body will get used to the new normal.

[darkemeralds]

Yes! That's just what I was thinking--well, everything is chemistry, really, when it comes to the human body and feelings. Your idea of body-panic is very useful to me, thanks! I don't think the panic is from lowered calories, because I've been doing that for three months now. But perhaps the less coverage, less insulation, less stored fat--all that must carry new chemical signals, or stop carrying old ones, in some way.

Yes, very helpful idea. Thank you.

[unseelie]

i have been reading several WW blogs and following a couple successful people. Both of them have recently posted about incredible psychological effects; one says she realized life was a little harder because she couldn't hide in her fat, she was right there on the surface and felt more exposed within less body. She's not full of new-agey hokum, but that was the gist of her explanation. The other one was talking about not having a buffer between herself and the world. Both after really large losses, 80lbs and similar.
Here's one: http://msbitchcakes.blogspot.com/2010/10/emotional-effects-of-reaching-goal.html

[darkemeralds]

Oh, thank you! That's a great post (and how much do I love her pink bike?). She's adorable.

And I can't help noticing that in her after-goal-weight post, she had already begun to overeat again and says she'll have to pay. Her discussion of what has happened as a result of "arriving" is very informative.

I'm struck by a comment quite a ways down in the thread:

There's a ton of pleasure in looking forward to things, planning, plotting, making lists, visualizing etc. - even the very hard work of losing weight, getting strong and healthy. There's a natural grief that comes after even a great accomplishment, since the process was such a turn-on. I'm a painter, and after shows I feel like crap. Sure, I'm proud of what I do, but I liked the lead-up, feeling that pressure, seeing things change each day, etc.

I felt exactly that way just last week after posting the last of Restraint, and I'm beginning to think that, more than the 25-30 pound weight loss, may be pushing my panic button.

Anyway, thank you for the great link!

[unseelie]

np, i'm glad she can help, i absolutely adore her attitude and goals, and she is a really fascinating blogger. she's back on track, i love that she lays out her mind and then .. acts on what she learns. she's just a huge inspiration for me lately.

[verilyvexed.livejournal.com]

Thanks for sharing this. I've had related experiences in the past, and occasionally would have this sort of momentary terror of being skinny. I love reading these posts (you're incredibly inspirational!) and it's a huge comfort to know I wasn't just being batshit crazy - or, if I was, other people experience it, too.

Totally crediting you (at least partially!) with learning to control my moods, or at least be aware of them, making some realistic goals for the year, and starting back on The Hacker's Diet (-6 lbs thus far). So for the love of all that's holy and covered in cheese, don't stop attempting to categorise yourself! 8D /fangirl

[darkemeralds]

Six pounds is awesome! I'm really honored to think that I've inspired anyone to do anything, especially something they value highly.

It's odd, isn't it, to think of being afraid to be thin? It's contrary to all the messages out there. When I was younger, I had such terribly high expectations of what thinness would get me (love, mostly--didn't work) that of course it was terrifying.

My expectations are more moderate now, but there's something purely physical about shedding pounds that makes me a little skittish. I mean, one is literally less insulated. I get colder. My nerve-endings are closer to the surface or something.

Many years ago, when for a short period I attended Overeaters Anonymous, I described walking down the street on a summer day and wishing I were wearing a coat--feeling terrifyingly exposed, and as if all the world was looking at me in a scary way. Someone more senior in the program came up to me after the meeting and said, "That's the shame talking."

It's a very specific feeling, and I don't think it needs a lot of psychological analysis--I really do think it's a physical, hormonal, neurological kind of thing. But I also think it's very powerful--powerful enough to send a person skittering back to comfortable weightiness. So I think it's really good to be aware of it. And what the hell--wear a coat or whatever it takes to feel safe in a non-weight-regaining way.

[verilyvexed]

It's odd, isn't it, to think of being afraid to be thin?

It is isn't terrifying me yet this time, but I think the fact I expect it to has probably helped. Do you think it's maybe just fear of the unknown, getting out of one's comfort zone, realising that excuses will have to be tossed aside?

(I think that may be why I'm doing it, actually. Cheaper than therapy!)


It's a very specific feeling, and I don't think it needs a lot of psychological analysis

I agree with this completely because I've attempted to analyse it frequently, with no luck - other than, as you said (and as Ms Bitchcakes said in the blog someone linked to) - feeling exposed. When you mentioned shame, I initially dismissed the notion just because of the word, but the more I think about it, it seems more appropriate. Once upon a time, I was a skinny kid who loved being the centre of attention, and now... well, actually I hate weather in which I can't wear at least a jacket, now you mention it.

[kis]

I don't know about psychology but I do believe in words and to me the phrase that popped out was I feel physically vulnerable.

Physically.

Might be a clue?

[darkemeralds]

As alex_beecroft points out in the next comment, technically there's a certain element of starvation going on. What more fundamental vulnerability could there be?

And of course just not being so well padded is in some ways more dangerous, I suppose--though I'd think my increasing ability to run (or at least ride my bike really fast) away from saber-toothed tigers would be offsetting that vulnerability to some extent.

Also, stringier meat.

[kis]

I was thinking more along the lines of physically vulnerable to predatory humans ...

[darkemeralds]

That was certainly true at an earlier time in my life--a terrible blow, in fact, to discover how much so.

Now, as I say, stringy meat. It's a concern that I am infinitely glad to be free of. I don't know how many other women feel genuinely relieved to get old, but to me, the joy of liberation from the Male Gaze has outweighed the disadvantages by a solid margin.

[alex_beecroft]

Some anxiety must come from the fact that you are, in fact, physically, starving. Your body doesn't know that you intend to stop at some point - as far as it's concerned, you are OMG, starving to death! Maybe it's tried hunger as a way of stopping the trend and is now trying mental games instead?

OTOH, it's not a problem I've had - I feel more physically powerful and therefore more confident now that I'm not being debilitated by my weight. It can't be just a case of the body trying to protect itself, or I would have it too.

[darkemeralds]

Excellent point about the starvation! I hadn't quite thought of it that way. It's not as if I'm still in starvation mode per se: from my reading, I gather that after the first few days of reduced eating, the body does convert pretty efficiently to using its stores of fat, and I'm still the Costco in that regard.

But I suppose that dipping into the savings a little every day does begin to set off alarms.

Since random bouts of deep shame and horror are something I've experienced all my life in response to stress, it's no surprise that I'd have them now where other people wouldn't. There have been nuances of these attacks, however, that strike me as unique to the stress of losing weight, and I think your idea about starvation and its implications is a valuable thought for me to pursue.

PS: Yay for feeling powerful!

[runningwater]

"So I'm developing a metaphor. Again, I don't believe this is literally, physically what happens, but it's all I've got: it's as if my history is bound up in my fat, and as layers melt away, I'm reliving the bad things that I put the fat on to buffer myself from."

This is fabulous, and right on. Also I know that any time I lose weight, I get nervous; with the weight I'm 'invisible', and without it I get noticed alot. I've always been shy and unsure of myself, so getting noticed starts freaking me out and next thing I know, I'm packing on the pounds again. It is a kind of fear of being thin, but more the fear of being seen. (that just came to me...hmmm, interesting.)

[darkemeralds]

I'm keenly aware that I have a better chance of lasting weight-loss success this time because I'm too old to be noticed--my invisibility is secured by age, and no matter how fabulous the clothes I can now wear, no matter how well I look in them, it will all be relative. I'll still be over 50, and therefore safe.

But I understand perfectly what you're talking about. I remember feelings of panic and shame, a desperate need to swathe myself in coats, when I lost weight as a young woman. I also remember a deep disappointment (kind of a slow-dawning thing) when, on losing a lot of weight in my 30s, no magic happened. I was only marginally more "marketable" as a size 10 than I'd been as a size 18, and being a size 10 utterly failed to bring me love. It was a profound discovery.

When all is said and done, however, I've never found any helpful correlation between "psychology" and weight. There may indeed be correlations, but knowing them never did a damn thing to help me stop overeating. I probably could have concentrated on other ways of feeling safe, or other ways of being less visible--and I could have done work around becoming a more desirable mate or girlfriend, too--and removed the connection between my weight and those things. I think I could probably have done that quite easily if it had ever occurred to me.

But weight--weight in all its manifestations--was everything. It was the cause and cure of all my problems. It was the angel and the demon. It was this illusory Holy Grail which I was incapable of separating from other issues in my life. I could not see past it.

The only reason I can see past it now is that all the concerns it represented when I was younger have been negated by the passage of time. I don't know how old you are, but I hope you don't have to waste as much time on the matter as I did.